Episode 67- Divorce, Blended Families with Rudy!

Divorce, Blended Families, going through a divorce isn't an easy process, but how can we establish that connection when we are marrying someone with kids, or how can we have a healthy relationship with our exes for the kids?
Are you dating someone with kids? How to have a healthy relationship with your future husband or wife ex-wife/ ex-husband? Is it possible? 

Tune in! 

Transcript

Cindy: 0:03

Hello, and welcome to Real Estate and the adventures of parenthood. And today I've have, I have Rudy back.

Rudy: 0:10

And it's great to be back. Thanks for having me. I appreciate that.

Cindy: 0:14

You're welcome. Thank you, Rudy, for coming back. So, on today's topic, I want to talk about blended families and how to get along. As a real estate agent, I've been dealing. I've been dealing with a lot of clients that have gone through divorces, and I've been actually coaching people outside real estate on going through the divorce process. Is that something that you should do right now? Is it something that you shouldn't do? Is it something you should consider? I mean, what are the aspects of going through a divorce? Is it worth it? Is it not worth it? Are you staying there because of the of the kids? Are you happy? And are you considering you're prioritizing yourself as any other person in that relationship?

Rudy: 0:58

Yeah, there's so many variables. It took me I think, I don't know if I mentioned this in our last episode. But it took me about three years to actually make the decision, it was on my mind, yes, I need to do it. But to actually arrive to Yes, I'm going to was three years and six months of therapy, just to make sure I was doing everything the right way. And everyone has different reasons, right. Some are abusive, some are just literally, everyone has their own reasons on why they want to do it, as long as they're doing it for themselves and not leaving for somebody else. And of course, managing the money and thinking about all those other things, there's so many things you need to think about before actually jumping down to the world, because things are, as we both know, are pretty expensive out there. So going from adult income to one is can be a really tough situation to be in for a little while. And that is I mean, yes. I mean, divorce is not an easy process. And especially when you have kids involved in you know, how do I how do I do this in even when there's no kids involved? There's, you know, assets involved? And then what are you actually doing in that? You know, are you doing it for the kids? Are you not doing it for the kids? Are you doing because you're being selfish, or you're doing because you have lost yourself during the whole relationship? But how do you recuperate yourself during the whole process? Yeah, in that it, like I said, that alone can take some time. That's why I always advise people, like when they do get divorced, if they do, you know, be alone for a while, take some time to kind of recenter yourself and think about where you're at and what you want in this next chapter in your life. Don't be too quick, to pull the trigger, as a say, into Jama to another relationship and like, Whoa, he was in this place because I was lonely. And I will take the time be alone for a while that that's a good thing.

Cindy: 2:35

And it's okay to discover yourself. It's okay. And what I don't understand because I've been single for three years, I mean, separated like officially divorce. I mean, over two years, separated from my husband, five years for my ex husband, not husband, ex husband. And for me, it's it's taken time. I mean, it's not. It's not bad to be single, but I get to do everything that I want. And I get to know myself more, I get to heal through the process.

Rudy: 3:06

Yeah, and I think a benefit for you, that others may not have is like you are financially sound you have, you know, a number of businesses, you're doing great for yourself. And I remember, like some friends of mine, who were saying stay at home moms, which everybody if you want to do that, hey, that's fine. If you want to get home with the kids, I totally respect that. But the cons are the long term effects of that is like let's say 10 years go by and you've been at home 10 years, and you find out your husband is cheating on you. And now he wants a divorce. And now, where do you go? What job do you have? How do you survive a loan? You know, what do you do? So there's a lot of people out there that are in a tough situation to be in. For me myself, I had to work three jobs for a while just to kind of make ends meet. But you know, I made it through and I'm better now. So it was a little struggle at the very beginning. But that's it can like I said, every situation is different for everybody, depending on what's going on.

Cindy: 3:56

So for me actually, believe it or not, I was a stay at home mom for three years. You see, there you go. Yeah, so I was. So I was a stay at home mom, I got laid off back in 2000, December 2013. And, you know, I have my master's degree, I was a director of sales and marketing for seven hotels in North Dakota. And I got laid off on my third trimester of pregnancy. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, and I had unemployment. But unemployment isn't enough. I think it was like $500 a month or something. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, what are we going to do? I don't know, whatever you're going to do. I mean, in I applied over 300 jobs, including like, I'm like, who's gonna hire me pregnant? What am I going to do? I mean, it's just like, it was such a difficult situation. And I couldn't get a job. I mean, we are my not North Dakota, Minot North Dakota. And for me, it was difficult. I applied everywhere I applied anywhere in the United States, nobody would hire me. They would say that I was overqualified. Apply that I had too much experience that I was under qualified, even having a master's degree and for me was so difficult. So when I had my little one, my my Julian, he's my little one. I basically, I was selling my breast milk. I was pumping between 2020 500 ounces of breast milk a day a month. Wow. And I was like, What do I do to make ends meet and with my master's degree, doesn't matter what education you have. You always if you want to, if you want to go ahead or you know, just overcome obstacles, you do anything and everything. So I started with like, selling Perfectly Posh back then I went to, then I started to get a new degree for a pastry chef degree. And for me was like, Okay, I want I'm going to put my bakery. I finished that. But when I went through the internship, which they call it an externship here in Georgia, I was like, I'm not doing that this was like 14 to 16 hours a day. And my brother kept on pushing me he's like, Cindy, why don't you just go ahead and do real estate. I'm like, I'm not doing real estate. That's 100% commission you crazy? And I'm like, No, that's scary. I don't want to do that was something secure? And I went ahead and I slowly started, I did my real estate course, I did my real estate course in 2017. And 2018, I passed my real estate course. I'm sorry, my real estate test. And this is like when my ex husband was told that he was going to go to South Korea, and he's like, so what are you going to do now? I'm like, Okay, I guess I will go ahead and study for my real estate tests and, and do real estate in Georgia. So I remember after I passed my test in July 6 2018, he calls me he's like, so now in South Korea, what are you going to do? Are you do you want to stay in my North Dakota? Or do you want to go to Georgia? I'm like, I am going to Georgia. I am not staying here in this winters or anything. And I was in a new career. I had no idea what the heck was I getting myself into? I knew I had experience in sales. My first year in real estate I made like,$32,000 And I'm like, Okay, this is a good thing. But still, we were living paycheck to paycheck. And it was difficult, because it was like, okay, so I need to get I mean, I was dependent. I was so dependent on him. Because I mean, we were still married, I didn't know we were gonna I was we're gonna go through a divorce. And I'm like, What do I do now. And I what I did was I was working late, I was working till 1011 o'clock at times, taking those listing appointments, taking those buyers appointments. But I didn't know what the future was going to hold for me. So I went ahead, and I just started growing and growing and growing. But it was getting myself out there. Like before, I was so afraid of doing social media. I'm like, I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to do videos. I'm like, if you were told me like five years ago, I would have been like, how do you like to over 28,000 followers on Tiktok. And you know, all these followings on social media and all that, like, You're crazy, I would never put myself but you got to, you got to get yourself out of your comfort zone in order to succeed. And after my first so this is my second marriage. After my second divorce, my first divorce, I was working two jobs, because I was left in so much debt in order to actually overcome all those obstacles. So yes, now as because I only have one baby daddy. And that's my second marriage. And my second divorce. So on that case, I was hustling, I was afraid because I was I had to start from scratch completely. I was left. I mean, he did buy a house. I wouldn't. He did buy a house. He helped me with the bills and all that. But it was starting from scratch because I was dreading the new career new business. But I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I wanted to accomplish all the goals that I wanted to.

Rudy: 9:03

And you did I mean, that's that's a fantastic story. And so it can't be done. Like I said, I mean, it can't be done. Took a lot of hard work, but here you are. So yeah, and there's those who feel they can't do that. They feel they can't, they don't have enough faith in themselves, or they don't have that drive, or don't want to work 1214 hours a day and not see their kids. So it's like, there's a lot of

Unknown: 9:26

feelings and personal obstacles somebody can put ahead of themselves before even making that decision or hide. Some people tend to hide behind their kids, like I'm gonna just stay in this place. Get the hell with my happiness because I know I can't survive on my own. And I'll just stay here, which is heartbreaking at times because a lot of people like I'm sure you didn't know what you were capable of when that whole journey started. Neither did I. But people need to understand that they're stronger than they think. When you know when times are hard. You'd be surprised how much extra energy you got inside or like how much you can take it And you're stronger than you think that's what I'm trying to say.

Cindy: 10:02

Oh, yes. And as me coming out as a stay at home, mom, I mean, don't get me wrong. Yes, I was like, I was trying to do anything and everything to get out of that hole. And I was like scared because I'm like, Oh my gosh, now my kids are going to go to childcare. I don't know these people. I'm in a new place. I'm like, Ah, okay. So I found a childcare that actually had work hours. So they work, they bathe. Well, they took care of your kids. So 8pm, which was late at night, and I'm like, and it was not the the price was not bad at all. Because I mean, telecare is expensive, too, is like, I had a 111 and a half year old, and they charge you more when they're when they're, they're younger, they charge you more, and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, what am I going to do now? And, I mean, that was a blessing, because I was like, Okay, I trust that lady. I can. And then I had my friend from high school, Nikki, I'm like, Nikki, she, she's like, look, I lost a job, I lost my job. I need a place. I'm like, I have the perfect place. And that was like, not even 10 minutes from from her house. So she was working with a daycare. And I'm like, I'm like, this is perfect. She can add she was seeing my kids every single day. So that also made it made it work, too. So everything fall in place. And yes, I know, sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you think that it is better just to stay where you're at, but it's not. And I've had a lot of moms reach out to me in toxic relationships. And they're like, What can I do to overcome these obstacles? How did you get started? Because I want to remove myself from this toxic relationship or this unhappy relationship?

Rudy: 11:44

What do you tell them?

Cindy: 11:46

I tell them, hey, you know what? It's first of all, you need to understand what do you want? You need to write down everything you want. What is making you unhappy? And what would make you happy? Because it's not like, Hey, I'm going to I'm going to the courthouse and get give me one divorce, please. No. No, it's not because I mean, it gets more complicated, especially if you've been married for a long time, especially if you have different like circumstances. Like, if there's a lot of money involved. There's been wealth involved with assets. Thanks. Yeah, definitely. Yes. And then especially if you're looking for alimony if you're looking for child support. I mean, there's so many other things. It's just like, what do you really want? Well, how do you see yourself in the next six to 12? Months? Three to five years? Do you want to get remarried? And, yes, do not jump into a relationship just like that. Study yourself, work on yourself, discover the new you because once you go through a divorce, it's just like, who are you? Because sometimes we get left? We we disappear in a relationship. And that is not healthy at all.

Rudy: 12:52

Yeah, I agree. And like I've said this many times on my podcast as well, like, I don't know who the hell was getting married at 21. And then 39. Here I am. I'm like, I've always been a dad or husband. I had no, so I always put my kids in the wife's interest first. So what did I like to do? And that was a terrifying but fun journey. And looking back in hindsight, those were the fun days, like rediscovering yourself and what you'd like to do with who you want to have around and places you want to go. Like, I had no idea what the cool places were in the city, but he just kind of discovered that on your own. While I wasn't working three jobs and hustling. So. It's for those who are listening in New York, and you're in that place. I know, it's terrifying, but it's all worth it. It's all worth it. Especially when you have an optimistic viewpoint on life in the positive outlook. It's a wonderful journey.

Cindy: 13:40

And then not feeling guilty about those things that you have, like, hey, you know, I feel like, I can't do this because she's going to she's going to tackle me or she's going to be upset with me. And then feeling having that feeling about like, nobody's gonna get upset with me because I'm doing this. Yeah. Is that like, and then you have that kind of like, you still have that? Like, wait, is he gonna say something? Or am I able to do that? Right? Wait, I'm not here, you know, and I can do it. Let's do it. Let's go for it. I mean, that freedom, I mean, okay, I'm ness and Matt, encourage you guys to do everything in anything you guys want. Be also safe and cautious with what you're doing, like jump on a plane. That's fine. That's fine, you know, but

Rudy: 14:21

I will never do that. By the way. I know you have, but I will never do that.

Cindy: 14:28

I like it. I mean, I like I was like, well, the weather is looking really nice. Today. I can either go fly or I can jump on a plane. And I'm like, Well, I flew yesterday, and I was trying I was trying to get a hold of one of my friends. I'm like, hey, you know what? Let's go jump up. Let's go skydive. But he was working. I'm like, I guess I'll go to the gym and read some errands.

Rudy: 14:47

But I think I will go the gym versus jump out of a plane any time. It's like, I know I may regret that later in life that I didn't do it but I just know my luck. Something would happen. I'd have Heart Attack on the way down or the ripcord would not work. I'm just gonna play a cold down here.

Cindy: 15:05

Okay, there's always a second parachute, by the way, and you are, keep in mind, you gotta change your mindset. You cannot be thinking about that. Anyways, up your life insurance by the way. So, but, but now that we're talking about divorce is like let's talk about when you get remarried. And we're talking about like, okay, so what happens when you get remarried? How many divorces have this person had? How many kids do they have? And, and it's just like, so how do we know? When is the right person? Or how do you know what you're getting yourself into? When the person that has kids?

Rudy: 15:44

Yeah, that's a great question. Because you want to not replicate the same mistakes you made earlier on in life, or, you know, maybe a lot of us got caught up with emotions, and like, this is the one we're just totally in love and get married really fast. And we all know how those more most of the time workout. So I would have asked yourself to just not try to replicate those mistakes, but get to know them. And I think one huge indicator in my opinion was my I'm engaged now, right? My my girlfriend, she's never had kids before. So the son we have is our first is her first. But before her, thank you, thank you so much. But before her I did date single moms. In a way I preferred that unlike with young men are saying all these idiotic, you know, stereotypes and phrases. I preferred a single moms life because we all know how that life is Monday through Friday. There's no dating Monday through Friday, you're busy with the kids and schoolwork and food and dinners and things like that. That's the way I was only going out on weekends. And my Monday through Friday was dedicated to my kids. And that's how the life was for most single mothers. But the red flags that I learned in my dating life was if there was a horrible relationship between her and her ex husband, where she was constantly just complaining about he's not helping, you're supposed to pick her up. And he didn't. That was a red flag, in my opinion, because that's always going to linger and always be there. And in some cases, we had a great relationship. And she would tell me that, hey, this guy is a pain in the butt. He's, I can never count on him, but then she would dump me to go back to him. So there was a lot of like, weird flags there. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, observe who they are. Like, if you're gonna date somebody, the guy kids, and there you have a co parents. And they have a great relationship. There's no drama, and the kids love being at their dad's house or mom's house and the kids are all well behaved. And they're actually co parenting. That's a wonderful green ring flag for you to look at, like, okay, you know, so they have theirs, they're together, they're, they're doing well for themselves. I know, my space isn't a healthy area, or the best that can be, I'm not going to go into that space and try to ruin that so to speak. You want to keep the harmony and everything in balance and also be mature enough to understand that their parents, they're not still in love with each other that he is not flirting with her. Like some other guys and some women, you know, some women have gotten mad at me protecting my ex wife, like we're talking about my daughter's project, you know, if jealousy cannot be in place, or in the air, when you're co parenting or starting a blended family, because that's just going to eventually grow into something and just explode and ruin everybody's relationship or maybe cause divorces. And so you can't be you can't you have to be totally secure with yourself.

Cindy: 18:24

And that there is like so when I met my ex husband, it was like when I was 26 years old. Yeah, 26 years old. And I had no idea with this was I had no idea of what co parenting was. I had no idea what you know, having stepkids was, I mean, granted that there were two and four. And she lived in Kentucky. He lived in North Dakota with me. And well, we live in separate separate states. And I was like, you know, I did not understand and there was like, the insecurities that I had the A you had them. Okay, I had the insecurities and her calling you like one time and I will never forget about this. It's just like she called over 50 times in one hour. That's a little too much. And it was like the gelling the fighting. And honestly, it was it was crazy. It was not a healthy situation. And I think about this is so like, I really wanted to have kids. I really wanted to have kids. And for me, it was like, you know, I know he can have kids. He had a vasectomy back then. But he actually got a reversal. And we have kids.

Rudy: 19:44

I'm sorry though he was so hard to reverse because I have mine scheduled not to reverse but my vasectomy scheduled for later this month, but I read the procedures and the percentages of it being successful if you change your mind. So for a reversal to one it's expensive and two if it takes you That's a rarity. So different, I guess good for him that it actually took. I'm just saying because I found out about that recently.

Cindy: 20:06

So so when it goes to throw a reversal, it's so we got a doctor here in Gainesville. He's really, really good. So from mine, another quarter we get we went here and it took a few. It actually, not even six much because he got the reverse, I think was like November, October 2007 2012. And I had my first miscarriage. In January, it started December. And then so yeah, it was pretty quickly though. Wow. So it I mean, it took I mean, his sperm count when pretty up, but he had to stop drinking energy drinks. And he was very, very careful which I really admired from him. But in this case, he did not have a good relationship with his ex wife. He didn't have a relationship with his kids. It was like the constant fighting is the constant screen means the constant like not having a good relationship with her was a total red flag. And I didn't see that I was more in I was blinded by love and in love and, and him that I didn't see those red flags. Him not having a good relationship with his family, because they're all distant. They don't they don't talk to each other anything. And I'm Latina. So as a Latina, I have constant communication with my family. And I'm, and I'm like, how does that work? I mean, why don't you talk to your family? And plus, you know, it was completely a different culture to so I mean, there are so many things, so many differences, and it was most likely that I was his fourth marriage.

Rudy: 21:51

Yeah. how old is he? Like it was this 40 years for marriages and 10 years, or? He was 40. He's now 44. But there's a pattern here. He cheated on every single spouse? Yeah. So the first one he cheated with this on her with her mom. Then the second one, he cheated. Like, it's, it's a pattern. And it's actually something that runaway runaway? And it's just like, okay, so what do I do now? How do I how do I know that this is a person that I can count on or a person that I can actually have a good relationship. And now I'm like, he, after five years, he's actually back in my kid's life, meaning that he's military, but he's moved, he moved back to the States. So I'm, I mean, supposedly, he's supposed to move completely back into to back to Georgia, full time, in January, in July or August. So that's we're pushing for that. And but I'm having a relationship with his kids. So I still have a relationship with his kids, regardless of me being the X, Y, the fourth ex wife, and but I've, I've maintained that constant communication with them. And now after maintaining that constant communication, and getting along with his family, and because that's, that's another thing, too, it was like there was a lot of not getting along, but now we started getting along. So last weekend, we actually had our first family trip with my ex in laws, to see his see his kids and his ex wife. So we completely did that. But this is like after 10 years, if I wouldn't want to do this, like the first year that would probably like I would not probably be here.

Cindy: 23:46

And this is something that she and I were talking about because as a blended family, you have to get along, you got to put your differences from aside from your like grudges, your insecurities, your jealousy, your everything. You have to put that aside and think about the kids. Like, are they? Are they really important or not? Can I can I am I able to be like have a good relationship with this person, aside from the marriage, aside from being his ex now.

Rudy: 24:19

And most people I'd hate to hate to say it, but most people can't. There's always we see it all over social media. And we see it. I have a lot of people reaching out to me and I've met with a few coaches who deal with high conflict divorces and these men and women are just making their spouse's life a living hell, like prolonging the divorce proceedings or you know, making threats, you know, all types of things. So it's unfortunate that there's many people out there who cannot be an adult about the situation and put their feelings aside and you know, put their kids above them and be the role model and leader they think that they need to be that it's very unfortunate. There's and again, just like my Except there's another coach that I met with last year. Her name was Victoria and she has a wonderful co parenting relationship. And she was engaged to similar like you'd like you had said, like, you meet somebody after the divorce and you're in love, oh my god, this is the one, this is the one I've always wanted. But he could not handle being in the space of you know, she's got an ex husband around. She said, one of the moments where he says, I don't feel part of this family, it was when the ex husband dropped off the kids. And they're talking about the kids health medicines, because one of them is a special needs child. And they're talking about meds and things like that. And after he left, he was just kind of quiet. And she's like, What, and after a few hours, he goes, Look, I look at you guys, and I see a family. And that's I'm had nothing to do with that. And I see that. And I just, I feel so separate from what you guys have that I can't deal with this, I can't. And he loved her, and their engagement was broken off. So the way he described it, as an older man, I can't see that. But as a younger man 20s, maybe early 30s, who doesn't have a family who doesn't have kids who's never been married, there's a lot of insecurities that I can, I can see them having. And it takes a lot to actually overcome those and say, You know what that is their past that is, you know, something that I don't have yet with her, hopefully I will later in life, but to see something that somebody has built for many years, maybe known somebody for 10 years, and they have a family. And you're seeing it from an outside observer, I can see how that can still be a shock to people, you know, in those situations,

Cindy: 26:37

and it's just like, You're right about that in a lot of people to date single dads or single moms. And they have a healthy relationship with their partner with their ex partner, right? It's just like, they need to understand like, look, okay, for instance, my ex husband came home, and my house, my house, by the way, my house, this is not his house, my house. And in order for us to not disrupt the kids like, routine or anything, because my kids have not had their dad in their life for let's say, for instance, for five years. And the only thing stable that I've had for them has been me their routine and everything else. And yes, he brought his dog, which has dropped dog is the one that had been checking on right now. And she's with me. But I told him, You You know what you don't have to, but you can stay in my house. I have a guest bedroom downstairs. I have you know, I have a kid's guest bedroom. So you can you're welcome to stay. And he's staying in my house. We're cooking dinner. He's right now with his parents, but it's just like, if I were with someone, would they be able to understand that there's nothing sexual there. There's nothing. It's just like good friends hanging out.

Rudy: 27:55

Yeah, and believe it or not, there's a funny story of before I met my current fiance. There was a man that my ex wife was dating. And they were doing great. Like, as a matter of fact, it was one of the one of the first feelings I had, where I was like, kind of angry, was when the ex wife said, Hey, so and so wants to take the kids to the beach. And I remember, why am I angry about this? Oh, some what some other man's taking my kids to the beach and not me. So this is the first time I encountered that feeling. And it was around my son's birthday. And I'm like, I don't know, like, well do what's best for the kids actually calm down and realize when a feeling is natural, but I'm not going to let that ruin my son's birthday. You know, I told my son that I will celebrate something with him when he gets back. So I remember being angry about that. And I thought this guy was a good guy. But ultimately, he didn't like that she and I had such a healthy camaraderie together, and he started getting like jealous and started getting very, like verbally abusive. And she finally dumped him. And she dumped him because she and I had an agreement like, you know, we have this perfect harmony. We're not gonna let anybody matter when we come and just jeopardize that. And I dumped many women because they couldn't handle that either. And he got so jealous. He was stalking her leaving notes on her door and her windows and our car window like the middle of the night. And my kids were there. I'm like, eff that no, the kids are staying with me to get that situated file police reports to whatever but she didn't feel safe. So I'm like, you can stay at my place for a couple of weeks if you have to. And she did she saw with my daughter's room it was kind of funny. And I'm like it was kind of weird being in that same space but again, there's nothing sexual is just use the ex wife who happened to just be going through this horrible situation. So she was in my daughter's room for two weeks and I'm like you better shipping on the groceries girl, you know help. So we had a great not a great time, but it was a two week period where she actually had to live with me until that whole situation kind of cooled off.

Cindy: 29:52

So So, so be like so does that mean I get a reduction this month on my child support? How does that work?

Rudy: 30:00

Yeah, That's too funny. Yeah, but we that's like we get along that way. Like, we just get along, like, for example, like my fiancee like, We're here on a Saturday. And her and her husband showed up to drop off my daughter and I'm like, where's your truck is all we took an Uber and like, why? Oh, when the trucks broken, whatever, we're gonna go to this bar. And I'm going to take, you can take an Uber to a bar. That's so weird in my my fiance says, I'll take y'all. So she took my ex wife and her husband to a bar, like few miles up the road, and dropped them off. So we all help each other. We all get along great, because we all know, we respect each other, there's nothing there. And it's all about the kids. And everyone's happy in their situation. So that's how we work in the basketball.

Cindy: 30:41

That's what I love. And yes, you know what, it took me 10 years to actually understand that.

Rudy: 30:48

if you don't mind me interrupting like, was it you said that you had some insecurities. With this previous relationships? It's my understanding that correctly, it was the insecurities on his part with a co blending family piece.

Cindy: 31:00

For me, it was like the insecurities on my part, because first of all, I was his fourth wife, you know, at that time, okay, fourth wife, um, he had cheated on her. I mean, she was asking him back. But then again,

Rudy: 31:14

that's different, though. That's kind of different, though. Because she's asked her back while you're married to him. So that's, that's, I think that's natural for you to feel that way. Because that's, that's disrespectful to you. First off, and to be asking your husband back while you're married to him. Oh, I would be just like you. And that's it.

Cindy: 31:31

There's so many things and I'm like, Okay, so do you want her Do you not because I even told them? Look, you don't know. I mean, we don't have to be together. And he's like, No, I want to be with you. And we did get married. But it was like, there's so many things that I didn't understand. Because I'm like, do you want to be with her? Do you because I couldn't understand like, because of how toxic the relationship was? for me was like, I did not understand that it was gonna ask him Do you want her says enough of that? He didn't reinforce enough to you that Honey, I love you. She's crazy. This is not even a thought on my mind that I'm entertaining. He didn't make you feel comfortable enough. He I think he did say that. But I cannot remember that. I can't. We're talking about like, this is what we're 10 Yeah. 10 years. Oh, my gosh, 12 years ago. So yeah, I mean, it was for me, it was like, Okay, so do you want her to unite and be like, you know, and it was my first relationship with someone with kids because I had never dated anyone. I was I was so naive. I was, I was in a bubble. I especially my family telling me all You're crazy. You're, you're dating someone that has kids and me not having kids and me wanting kids. So that was a whole different situation to because he I mean, I was like, Okay, so we're gonna have kids. He and he told me that we would have kids. I didn't want to have kids with my first ex husband. Oh, no, that's that's a total different story. But with him, I went through so many. So I haven't been going through infertility since I was 16. And my whole thing of like, I want to have kids, I want to have kids, I want to have kids and then having a miscarriage. It was not easy. And then having a miscarriage. And I think it was also had to do with you know, she was able to have kids and I was not able to have kids. Because what was their jealousy in that or just like, you're saying, Yeah, I think insecurity just because, you know, me going through infertility issues, and she'd been able to get pregnant fast. And so if what he told me was that it wasn't oops, you know, that she got pregnant. Oops. Okay. Yeah. So, oops. So because he was about to go to get deployed and she came out pregnant, and then that's when they got married. Okay, okay. Okay. So, and for me not being able to get pregnant me going through all this stuff. I mean, I think that also added to the whole situation, because struggling through infertility is something that it is very hard, it's not easy at all. And a lot of people don't understand, especially for females, that all these men out there nowadays, they say, Hey, you know what? I'm going through, oh, single moms, single moms, single mom. Okay. Women, we deal with infertility issues, we deal with periods we deal with things that men don't think about that are very uneducated about, and we have a biological clock to be like, clock is ticking. So and it's just like the whole thing of like, oh, you know what, you're a single mom, I can't deal with you because you have kids. Okay. Did you even ask me my my history here? What happened here? Really? Yeah. So

Rudy: 34:49

I kind of face that from a male perspective at 39. Because I remember again, I hadn't dated in years, right. So here I am dating. And I saw all these young men kind of like insulting single mothers and With the labels, they were putting them. And I didn't agree with that, because I knew a lot of women who are divorced just like me around my age, including my ex wife. She technically is a single mom, but are co parenting, but she's technically a single mom, and she's not, you know, a slut and all these other things. These young men are kind of saying, there's women out there who are but tried to make a marriage work, they were married 1015 years, maybe more, I don't know, trying to make things work, and they were just married to a shithole husband. And they just finally had enough and left, that doesn't make them anything that you're labeling them as they just had enough. So I faced that myself. And that's why I get so defensive. When I see all these young men. It's insulting them that where they are, and what my conversations with him, they see there's two types, and I don't understand that they see there's two types. There's the type that's in their late 30s, who has kids, but you know, it was married for X amount of years and choose chose to leave, right? And there's the ones that are like 24, and under who have four kids, unfortunately, guys, that were reckless and just kind of getting pregnant, left and right. I'm like, Okay, I guess I can understand what you're saying on that piece. But again, I It's funny how the shame is always drawn to the woman. But no one's calling out these deadbeat jerks, who are impregnating these women and just leaving them there. And not owning up and being dads. So it is a biased, one sided type of discussion out there.

Cindy: 36:21

My thing is, is just like, we always talk about the single moms, but they never talk about men. How many kids how many baby mamas Do you have? Oh, wait, you got 10? Wow. And then those are the ones that you can't even count? I mean, because it's just like, so why are you always shaming the moms? And why don't we shame the dads? Or you know what, at the end of the day is nobody's business. So why are we doing this? I mean,

Rudy: 36:46

it's a lot of it. From what I've seen, again, it's a lot of men who don't have kids. And I think there's a resentment coming from their space, because you picked them, not me. So there's this animosity. And I can see like that resentment in their face. And they don't have kids themselves. I think any parent who has a daughter, especially men who have a daughter would not be saying those types of things. That's just what I've got. They have no experience. They've never been married, they've never had a successful day life. So there's a lot of resentment. So, okay, I'm going to start insulting you and blaming you and calling you out. Because you know, y'all never looked at me. So again, there's a lot of hate in the men's space. Now, the good rounded men that are out there like myself, that we don't speak to that, or we don't think that way, but we see it. And I always see this from the men who've never really had a successful day life or having kids or have not been married.

Cindy: 37:35

Or they're very immature and ignorant. Yeah, they're idiots. And all they think about is like, okay, so who's the next best thing, or let me just go with an one night stand and forget about that. They don't. And then that's also they don't appreciate and value women. They don't, they don't. And that's, it's tough. And that's why I'm so adamant when I'm coaching and trying to tell young men how to think a certain way.

Rudy: 38:03

But look at who their role models already have Andrews hate and all these other people and all these hookup channels, and all these hookup channels are highlighting, you know, the toxic, the toxic women that are out there. Again, there's toxic men and toxic women, I totally understand that. But when you consistently showcasing this one side and one version of women, that they think that's all that's out there, it's very impressionable. And I think that's a whole other conversation in and of itself, but it is a shame that a lot of it is out there like that. I truly

Cindy: 38:32

I do need to ask you something. What is the hook up channel?

Rudy: 38:35

Well, like, for example, like there's a lot of like, I was a freshman fit. But there's a lot of like, this is how to hook up with women advice channels. A lot of young men are telling you how to play the game, what to wear, how to speak. There's, I don't want to call them out and give them any type of like advertising, I'll send you some links after the fact is, you go to the YouTube channel, and there's like them making out with a bunch of women how to score with hot women, how to get 10s There's all these channels, these guys are making, you know, hundreds of 1000s of dollars a year, coaching young men how to get these 10s as they say, and it's stupid as a grown man, I see this and I laugh I'm like, okay, I get that. But no one's always no one ever talks about, okay, you hook up. But what's the consequence of that? There's usually an STD that you can get and you know what, maybe you can get her pregnant. No one ever talks about the consequences of hooking up What if you get her pregnant? You're going to be a man and take care of that kid. What are you going to do now? Your father? What's up? No one ever talks about that. It's always a bug, you know, late,

Cindy: 39:33

but and that's the thing. Okay, so now we have a different subject here is Can someone explain to me why do people need to get laid? Okay? I understand sex is amazing. Sex is amazing. I mean, not everybody knows how to have sex. Believe me. There's awful people that have sexes be like what the heck like seriously? Yeah, anyways, but what is the whole thing about like, just having so many people like getting having sex with Like anybody and everybody that they can have sex with, what is why?

Rudy: 40:05

Um,I mean, again, everybody's reasons are different, right? I mean, I've spoken to a lot of sex coaches on my channel, male and female. And some of the women just tell me, they love sex. Some of them are still like, they told me they had 100 partners in college, freshman year, and they're living in polyamorous relationships, where did they can have multiple romantic, you know, emotional relationships with other people while with somebody, some people just have that need now where that stems from I don't know, but they just love sex. And there's some that I had a few friends of mine on the male side who just would do anything, you know, put it in anything. And I'm like, really do what's up with you. Like, they usually come from a place where especially a few of them that I knew, they had nothing going on in life, they couldn't have a job, they failed everything. The only good thing they were they weren't good at was selling themselves and hooking up. So there was like an emptiness in their life that they never had. And they would fill it with just basically hooking up with people, they saw that as a win, or being an alpha. You know, most of these guys never had a job or career there. They're just like, playing a role out there. And that's all they had. Because they had nothing else going on in life.

Cindy: 41:15

But you know what, thinking about this, like, I I've never been a person of having like multiple partners or sleeping around or anything. And I think about it is like, they don't value themselves. They don't love themselves. They're missing so many things in their life, that that's what they cause it because I mean, I will not want to get an STD. I mean, there's so many. There's so many types of STDs, it's like, but they don't think about that they don't think about like, what if she gets pregnant? What about I mean, are you planning to? Do you see yourself? Have you have sex with this person? Do you see yourself having a kid with this person?

Rudy: 41:55

Right? Right. They're not thinking that far ahead. I can, most guys aren't. Most people aren't. They're just out there looking to have fun. They're just looking to conquer whoever they're dating and then move on from that. So they they're responsive, responsible five sick.

Cindy: 42:09

It's a five second thing. I mean, so you're gonna change your whole life. Well, I mean, we're talking about premature premature ejaculation.

Rudy: 42:19

Wow, okay.

Cindy: 42:22

Okay, probably like a five minute thing, okay, just as is that county them taking off their clothes or not taking off their clothes. But that's the thing. It's just like, just changed your life for for just a moment of excitement or pleasure.

Rudy: 42:40

Yeah, but again, we're like, I don't say older because I don't consider myself old. Right. But we're like it, we have it in perspective, because we've kind of been there done that. But as far as younger, I can say like, for example, if I was younger, not married in the amount of testosterone young men have in just the amount of influence in just things that are so accessible, like pornography websites, things like that. And most women, like if she's pretty on social media, more than likely, not all the time, but she may have an only facile Oh, if I pay her four bucks, I can see her naked and do things. So the access to that type of like, visual stimuli. If I was a young man, I would be an idiot, I wouldn't be out of control, because again, you're just in a different realm at that age. Again, I'm not condoning any reckless behavior. But again, it's just there's too much out there for young men to totally just be in involved in and just be addicted to and just kind of live that life. And before you know it, they never had any real experience with women that's all been over your phone. And then they have this objective type of viewpoint on it, which is totally wrong. And it's only going to hurt them in the in the long run. So it's there's a lot of things that a young man can just be just totally consumed with that can damage him, especially if he finds this material at a young age 15 or 16. Like God.

Cindy: 43:56

Yeah, especially social media, social media has changed everything. I mean, I feel bad for for the people that for for the kids that are growing up, I mean, are they going to learn social skills? Or they can know how to actually have a relationship? Are they going to even be be able to, you know, have a healthy communication or connection with that person? Or what all be through social media texting?

Rudy: 44:22

I time will tell. But like I've said many times, my fear is that these young men are not going to know how to speak with women, are they going to see them as, like a product or an objective sexual person? Because that's all they've ever known. And they've never had any real relationships in real life with real people or women. So how are these 1415 year old guys going to be when they're in their late 20s? I don't know. It's gonna be a mess.

Cindy: 44:47

That will be I mean, that's why there's there's coaching out there. They're gonna have to go through coaching and be like, Okay, how can I get a date? How can I talk to him and how can I actually have a relationship with someone or make friends

Rudy: 45:00

Yeah, who knows, I mean, it's gonna be a journey for them, that they're going to have to be willing to put in the effort to do that.

Cindy: 45:08

And a lot of people, especially at that age, they don't want to put the effort. They don't want to learn. They don't want to do any of that.

Rudy: 45:14

Yeah. Totally agree.

Cindy: 45:17

All right. I think that's a lot of information that we cover there. But going on to blended families in I've had a lot of people reach out to me lately on how did I do it like with mym ex husband's ex wife? And how do I actually have a good relationship and healthy relationship with my ex and loss is all about communication and time, because keep in mind, wounds do not heal overnight. It takes time to build that.

Rudy: 45:52

I agree. I agree. And it's unfortunate that you can be the adult in be willing to establish communication and just move on from any past hiccups, but it's ultimately the other person on the other end if they're willing to meet you halfway. And if you're, if you're stuck in that situation, like how do you fix that? I don't know, maybe have a mediator involved in your communications? Somebody involved. In other words, you too, are never alone. Maybe put grievances aside and say, Hey, we're not going to talk this way in front of the kids. I mean, there's so many avenues that I would look into, I'm grateful that I'm not in that space. But to be in that space, I bet is very frustrating. And I wouldn't know what to do. Other than the options. I just just don't know.

Cindy: 46:35

And it's just like, I mean, especially with social media, you have social media, Facebook, a lot of people put their dirty laundry on Facebook, and it's just like, oh, my gosh, and tick tock, tick tock, tick tock is becoming a big one, like, oh, my gosh, but I mean, it's just like, just hold on there. And if you're getting into a relationship with someone with kids, get to know them, and not saying, hey, you know, it's a bad thing. It's a great thing, because you're actually building a family, but your family is becoming bigger. So you're not only having you're not only having your your soon to be husbands kids, right, but or soon to be wife's kids, but you're also acquiring their, their ex, ex husbands family or ex wife's family. And that makes a bigger family. And you'll always have them. I mean, they're always going to be there regardless. So why not get together and just build a relationship, a healthy relationship for the kids? I'm not saying sleeping together, because that's a totally different story. But if you guys are up to it, then go for it. But all right, thank you so much, Rudy. I appreciate all your information and all your help with blended families divorces in men that don't understand the single parenting or single mom or single dads life.

Unknown: 48:05

Men and women.

Rudy: 48:06

Yeah, please, I can do. Thanks for having me.

Cindy: 48:09

You're welcome. Thank you.