Episode 57- 5 toxic dating styles with Xavier Smith

Learning how to date in a healthy way, but how can you identify those toxic traits?
Lets find out more with Xavier Smith

Xavier Smith:
https://www.tiktok.com/@xaviertainment?_t=8XolQ07KuIV&_r=1

Transcript

Cindy: 0:00

them. So we're gonna have a couple questions and we're gonna make this fun and entertaining for you guys today.

Nicole: 0:06

Yeah, thank you so much for jumping on today. I know, I love tic tac, I think that's what everybody does when they lay down at night for the first like two hours before they go to bed. So you always pop up with your, with your red hat on. And I always know it's your video. But besides the fact that you are very nice to look at I listened to your content, I'm, I'm amazed that there's actually a man out there that can sympathize, and empathize how women feel. And it's interesting to hear that men are in the same boat. So for those of, I guess, those listeners that we have that don't know who you are, could you tell us a little bit about you?

Xavier: 0:47

Um, sure. So I grew up originally in Queens, New York. I just went to school, like everybody else, just trying to make it in the world. And then my parents have routed me to Virginia, when I was about 14, or so and went to school here, that was a bit of a culture shock, going from the city to kind of like a suburban area. But I like to use it to my advantage and say, You got both city boy and country boy, mixed in one so I can give you the best of both worlds. But yeah, pretty much went to college. Pretty normal life otherwise, but I guess I decided to take life into my own hands. And once I started to realize a lot of the social social constructs that we are currently living in. So

Nicole: 1:37

yeah, I saw I mean, obviously, you are a dating coach. You've got a shit ton of followers, which I told you earlier. But congratulations. That's great. You know, yeah, of course, and your content is fantastic. How did you come up with that idea? Like did? I asked you earlier, but who hurt you? Did something?

Xavier: 2:00

Well, well, first, I said, Sure. Thanks for having me on here. I feel privileged. Yeah, I know, you're lovely people. And I'm just happy to be here. But with that being said, what happened was that it wasn't so much someone else that hurt me. Right? It was me putting myself in the situations to be hurt. And I realized that there were a lot of patterns that I was involved in, whether it be generational societal, and I couldn't break free of that. So I kept getting into relationships with people that were not for me. So I like to shift perspective, instead of saying they're bad people, we're just not compatible. And it really hit when I got into a situation that went on too long. But there was a guy that was a counselor, that was actually my friend, and he was a licensed marriage counselor. And this was years ago, I didn't I didn't know, he did this. We were just friends. He's an older guy married with kids. And he's just, we're just friends. And he just happened to tell me a little bit about what I'm doing wrong. Then before you know it, I'm like, wait a minute, I've been lied to my whole life. So I literally was under his tutelage for like the next three or four years. So I got all that free training. And then I started to seek out therapists and learn from them, especially women, right, in particular, because I wanted to hear their side now that I'm open to listening in the right ways. So that's where all of this came about. So I decided to put it all together. Because I was like, if I could help anyone, it's the beginning. How do we know if this person is going to be right for us? From the start, so that we don't end up in 10? Year situations? year or two? I want to make it so that you fail cheap and fail quick.

Nicole: 3:54

What do you think your issues were in that relationship? And like, How long were you with that girl?

Xavier: 4:00

Um, well, we're never actually together. So it was a situation ship.

Cindy: 4:09

I was gonna say that, too.

Xavier: 4:10

So it was about eight months. And it wasn't just her. It was before that too. I dated someone that was like a few months. And these both had similar qualities that came from me, they were different people. But I think what the worst thing was that I did was I wasn't realizing that I was acting based on emotional reaction, rather than logic. And I feel like society or people that I've grown up with have told me how to manage right my reactions from a negative way. Write a harsh way rather than come at it from a logical place of being reasonable. Right. So I was trying to prove my worth So I would do everything to the extreme, I'd be overly giving overly loving, overly charming, overly willing, and say yes to everything. And then I would get upset if it didn't work out. And I would blame her or blame them, right? Whereas I should have just taken a step back and said, Why am I doing so much? No one's promised me anything. So that's where it kinda like really hit me.

Nicole: 5:26

Okay, I know, I know, in a lot of your videos, you talk about cheating. And one of the things that you said in one of your videos is, don't be too much of a giver. So those I think that falls along the lines of like, love languages. And, you know, do you think that those are attributes, I guess, to really think about when you are in a relationship is those love languages.

Xavier: 5:52

So love languages are important. But I think that we need to understand our limitations as well. And that's why I created this book to kind of like offset 10 other ones. Because we're told, okay, my words of affirmation, you know, acts of service, those are all great things. But it's, it can sometimes come from the wrong place. And people, you know, can tend to get triggered by this, because then they'll say, Well, I'm naturally a giver, I can naturally just give, give, give, give, that's me. That's me. And I'm like, okay, great. Me too. But here's the thing, there's a limitation to your giving. And people don't like to hear that, because they're like, Well, I can give to just anybody and I can feel fine. If that's the case, then why did you get upset when you didn't get reciprocated? Because I'm sorry?

Cindy: 6:44

No, go ahead. Go ahead.

Xavier: 6:45

I was gonna say true giving nature is when you give without the expectation of getting something in return. Yeah. So if you're doing too much giving, and it's getting you to a point that you're starting to feel like I need something back. In order for this to be justified and validated. That's when you might be crossing into a land of giving too much.

Cindy: 7:09

But then again, you also have to put because something really important that you put is effort, you know, are you seeing that the other person is also putting effort on the other side? Are you both putting enough effort? Or is it only a one sided?

Xavier: 7:25

So in that regard, yes, effort is the most important key element, one of the most key important key elements to dating and relationships, in marriage, and so forth. Because the second someone drops the ball. I mean, everybody has a right to have a bad day or a bad week or a bad month. But after a while, you're gonna have to do what you need to do on your own, because you have to be good yourself, to show up for your person. Right? So when you say, effort, effort is it's hard to measure, right? Because everybody has their own idea of what effort looks like. So for me, it may be spending all day with me every day of the week for you, it may be a quarter of the week. And that's good enough. So I think we need to take our time and getting to know someone and understand what their idea of effort is, and see if that's something that we can, we can receive and be happy with that long term. So that's why I say don't give too much. But watch how the other person moves, give enough where you're like, Okay, I gave that and I can go home and I'm not gonna think about it. I'm not gonna go home and think about and I gave this person everything. And now this is how they're treating me. Because that's the second you messed up, right? You want to give to the point that you're like, Okay, well, if they never speak to me again, if this doesn't work out after this, am I going to be okay? Especially outside of commitment, right? Like when you're in that gray area, when you're dating, where you don't know what the next move is? That's your time to measure out what that person's idea of effort is.

Cindy: 8:56

I completely agree with that. Because I mean, there's sometimes things that we're like, oh, you know, what, why am I giving giving giving giving? Why am I not reciprocating? Why are you not receiving? You know, even that, hey, you know, that Good morning text? Or that Hey, happy birthday. I mean, you don't say happy birthday to me, we're done. But, I mean, it's just like, you have to have that communication. It all comes down to are you communicating? Are you actually really getting to know that other person? Like, are you guys on the same page? Are you guys on different pages? How do you feel love? Or okay, you can be a giver? Completely, but I may be like, I just want a glass of water. Yeah,

Nicole: 9:41

I know my love languages is giving gifts. Like that's how I show love. Like for example, my the boyfriend that I have right now. I love to buy him just little things. Like if I'm at the gas station, like I'll pick something up for him. If I'm like out shopping like clothes, shopping or whatnot. I'll buy him a t shirt. He doesn't Do those things for me. But that's okay. Because we have that open communication, like, this is what I need from you. And he's, you know, he does the same thing to me. And he's, he's one of the guys that, like clams up, he doesn't talk, he doesn't communicate, and then I come along, like a fucking shitstorm. And I'm like, This is what we're doing now. So like, if you want to be with me, this is how we're going to communicate. So I did. So I was, I was in therapy with my ex husband, trying to work things out before we actually ended everything. And one of the things that the therapist said to me was, you guys are on the same team. So if you have a fight, put on the same T shirt, put on the same hat and look at the problem, like you're in this together. So like, that really helped for a few months. And then we ended up separating, but that's always stuck with me, and that this was probably about five years ago. But that's always kind of like been in the back of my head. Like, if I'm gonna date someone, they're gonna have to be on my team. And we're gonna have to look at an issue or a problem. Like we're facing it together, not against each other.

Xavier: 11:10

I fully agree with that. Because especially in particular marriage, right? It's two people who are halves becoming one hole. So it's rarely ever going to be a situation where it's like you versus me, it's you and me versus the problem, like you just said. So that's how I agree with that, you know, to attack things as a unit and say, okay, even though, and there's some occasions where it may fall on one person's side, it doesn't have to be like, Oh, I'm pointing the finger at you blaming you making you out? It's like, No, we're taking this on together, right? Like, we are still in this as a unit. And we can never look at each other as two separate beings, because now we're married. Right? So it's us in this.

Cindy: 11:53

Yeah. So now that you mentioned about marriage, and it's something really interesting, because when I was married, I, you know, sometimes we forget, we get so comfortable in our, you know, marriage life, like, Okay, I got the guy or I got the girls, that's it, everything becomes very comfy. But it's about also, like, let's continue dating each other, let's get to know each other more at a deeper level, versus just staying there. And same thing with relationships, especially when you move in together be like, Oh, it's Friday, we're just going to be a couch potato, potato couch, and watch a movie in that setting.

Nicole: 12:32

But unlike couch potato days,

Cindy: 12:36

I mean, at least at least, at least at least once a month or so forth, go out or do something nice for each other. And sometimes we forget about those things. Don't take those things don't take your dip or significant other for granted. And that's what happens in and I would say in marriage and relationships too.

Xavier: 12:56

Well, I think one of the primary causes of that is like, Are you are you with your friends? You know, like, Are you dating your best friend? Are you marrying your best friend, because there's so many people that will just try to get somebody just to just to get them? Right? Oh, this person is pretty, they're nice. They're smart. I just want to have them. Like they're like they're collectible or something. And the second they get them, they treat them like kind of like how you would treat an object. And after a while you're like, Okay, I got it. I've achieved that. What's next? Yeah, but if you're with your friends, it's like, I'm genuinely interested in you as a person, like, I want to do everything with you. There was no end to the saga. And I just want to see how life is going to be now there's gonna be some relaxing moments and some comfy times. But even within that you're making plans, you know, like, you're, you're just so genuinely interested in each other on such a deeper level that this doesn't have to turn into. Alright, it's boring, whatever. You know.

Cindy: 13:54

I completely agree with that. I mean, it's an investment thing nowadays. It's like everybody's like rushing I need to go to I need to get married, and it's up in the relationship. I need to be in a relationship. Oh, sabe. Do you want to be my boyfriend? I mean, I know we just met but you know, we're in a timeline. I mean, I know your your budgets are in 30. But can we get married in the next week?

Nicole: 14:13

Girls have more of like a like a, I don't know, line in the sand really than men do? Do you think that's pretty accurate?

Xavier: 14:21

I think that it's a societal thing. I think society, a lot of society, especially old world society has told women to have a hard stop at a certain point. Um, and a lot of it is based around like biology and stuff like that. So I think that back in the day, there was so many differences in what people had like women's rights, for example, a woman's right to work. So you had to rely on a man if you wanted a family as opposed to now you can choose. So I think that's why you know, a lot of women are thinking that and I'm sure there's there's other variables but Think that's like one of the major ones is like society keeps telling women at this age, you got to have this at this time, you gotta be like this. And then it's causing it's, it's actually having the opposite effect, right? Because if you want someone to see a marriage as healthy and you want them to be monogamous, and to, I guess move effectively into that, right? Instead of telling them they need to just be here, why not tell them to find themselves first. And then when you find yourself put more pressure on that, than actually just getting with somebody, because now I'm with somebody, and I don't even know myself and I don't even know them. And now we're in chaos, right?

Nicole: 15:38

Really good job of that to like, getting to know yourself, you know,

Xavier: 15:41

right. Thank

Cindy: 15:42

completely I've been, for the past two and a half years, I've been single, I mean, I got separated, slash divorce from my ex husband separated over four years. And when I was in this marriage, or any type of relationship, I held myself back, like if I wanted to, I had been talking about scoring skydiving since I was 18. I had been talking about getting my pilot licenses forever. And traveling. I love traveling. So now I just pick up and just, I just keep on moving like I just came back from Iceland. I mean, I'm going November, I'm going to Ireland. And I have nobody to limit me in Bath. My thing is, why are we not getting to know each other like getting to know ourselves first, and starting that friendship versus just like saying, Hey, I just want to jump into a relationship. What is a pressure? What is it, there's no rush into anything? Look, if you're meant to be with me, we're going to be we're going to be regardless meant to be together. If you're not meant to be, then that's fine, you'll meet someone better, but get to know the person before you get into a relationship. Because there's no rush.

Xavier: 16:51

You you asked the question, I think on tick tock earlier today that I just don't happen to catch, and you talked about authenticity. And I think that has a lot to do with it, too. People are rarely authentic, from what I've seen. And I don't entirely blame them, you know, I mean, it's, of course, it's not great, right? And it can cause a lot of damage. But you asked like, why aren't people authentic? And I think that also causes them to rush in the wrong ways. They're trying to follow a pattern that they've seen work. Because like, you've got, for example, a lot of dudes on social media that said, you have to have this alpha mindset, you got to dominate the room, be the loudest, biggest, strongest, let women know, you know, she got to submit. But yeah, they will never say as a man is probably good to submit as well. Like, what like, Are you the exception. So because of that all like, now you've got an army of dudes that are like, I need to alpha, you know, I need to alpha n and they're not learning themselves, you just put a blinder on them. So now they're walking out into the world with this mask of want to be alpha, and they get with someone, it becomes chaotic, because you're not, you're not this image of alpha that this man has created for you. You're your own person, but you're hiding behind this, because a lot of men, and maybe some women, I've told you, this works, just do this. And you don't have to actually beat yourself because being yourself is not working. You're at home, you're not getting no girls. It's terrible. So do this. And then you're gonna see all the flocks, and it's like, but still, do you want the flocks? Or do you want someone who's genuinely for you?

Nicole: 18:31

You would think I mean, I think the answer is pretty simple. But I don't think people really think that way. I can't tell you like how many times on a dating app, I've seen a man's profile. First sentence is, I'm an alpha male. I'm like, Alright, we're going fucking left. This is disgusting. Like, it's giving me like Narcissus vibe, like he's about to get like the shit out of me. It's awful. And I don't know about you, Cindy, but just because like we're in the south where you know, in Georgia, I see that so much. You know, and like, if anyone is, I guess a feminist or whatnot, it's automatically shut down by this like alpha male. You know, it's like, it's like a fucking pissing contest. You know what I mean?

Cindy: 19:13

It's awesome. So now what I started doing, like, Okay, people unpack on dating apps. But I'm just like, I'm just having fun just getting to know people. Like, hey, you know what? So now if you want to have a conversation, and sadly you've gotten this a lot from me videos, I send videos and be like, Hey, nice matchy with you. How you doing? Know that and I'm trying to see what perspective if they change or they reciprocate with a video or with a text message because some people are shy. It's just like, getting to know you. Getting to Know You your true colors. I want you to see my reaction. If you don't like me, just unmatch me honestly. I'm just here to have fun. And I'm just here to meet people. Are you on dating apps?

Xavier: 19:57

Me?

Nicole: 19:57

Yeah.

Xavier: 19:59

Not at the moment. MIT.

Nicole: 20:02

I'm curious to know why?

Xavier: 20:04

Well see, I get on them every so often to experiment because I feel like I have to stay up with what's happening in the world in order to advise people correctly. Right? But um, right now, I think I just kind of taking a step back because I was getting too lost in all the weeds of just the dating apps and the coaching and talking to people. So I had to, like, detox a little bit from it, it was it was all getting mixed up. So there's nothing against the dating apps. Like, I think dating apps are good. I think that they work. I mean, let's be realistic, how else are you gonna go meet people? If you have a busy life? Like if people have lives, and they can't, they can't always go out? And what are you going to do a bar, everybody's halfway drunk. And then you got to try to have a logical and intellectual conversation. You know, like, it's, it's not easy to meet someone.

Nicole: 20:53

Do you ever approach like just being a man, like, do you ever whenever you are out, like, I don't know, grocery shopping, or target or whatever? Do you ever approach women?

Xavier: 21:02

Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Nicole: 21:04

What's your what's your go to line when you approach a woman?

Xavier: 21:07

What's the I like to gauge the temperature of the environment before I make any moves? Because I think, you know, at least from my experience, women are very they know, they can pick up on it, you all have that intuition. So you can kind of tell like, I'm not just here to have a conversation with you. So what I'll do is if if we happen to be in the same area, there's also like proximity, where it's like, is it naturally showing me this opportunity to say something? Or do I have to go all the way across the room and force it right? I'm not going to do that, because that just looks a little bit desperate, in my opinion. So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna if we're having to be maybe looking through clothes, and I'm like, Hey, that's a nice one that it's on sale today, you know, based on her response, and if she starts to ask me questions, if I start to ask her questions, then we can get into a conversation and now we naturally flow into hey, let's, let's talk, you know, why not be friends? So that's how I approach it. I don't I rarely cold approach like that, where I'm like, Hey, you're to give me your number. Like

Nicole: 22:11

I hate that. Like the cat calling, you know, that annoys the shit out of me. If it's like, like you said, like, if it's like an organic conversation, chef's kiss. I love it. But you said something about friends. Like you have a video on Tiktok that struck a chord with me in a good way. Actually. I was kind of pissed off when I saw it. At first, I was like, now this can't be it. But you said friend zoning is not real.

Xavier: 22:38

Yeah, rather than like that from me.

Nicole: 22:41

No, But you know what, you explained it in the video, and I'm like, dammit, he's right. You know, like your right. Friend. Zoning is not real. I mean, I have a friend that I tried to pursue, and I feel like he friendzone did me and we're really, really good friends now. And I don't want to go down that road. But I do remember in the beginning, this is years ago, like I really wanted that. And then he friendzone me, but I don't think it we're not compatible in that sense at all. But we are really compatible as being best friends. So, but I guess those have who haven't seen the video. Can you explain that a little bit?

Xavier: 23:17

Sure. Cindy, you look like you're you're busting now.

Nicole: 23:19

You're like I'm sorry. I talk a lot.

Cindy: 23:23

I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna say okay, So how do you think I ended up in our in Iceland? Because my, oh, okay. So so, two weeks ago, three weeks, three Sundays ago, my friend. Him and I we've been really good friends for three over three years now. I've met his family. I've met his now his cousins. And he's like, look, Sunday, I got dumped. And I'm like, okay, and but we're supposed to go on a trip to Iceland on like, what are the dates? He's like, are you coming? Of course. So he will he tried to transfer Well, anyways, I bought my ticket to Iceland. And I had no idea. The anything that we were doing. I just arrived there. I bought my ticket. That's it. Um, like, just told me how much I have to pay. And anyways, so I met his cousins, and I've met his family and all that. And him and I've really good friends. Like I'm telling you ended up being a couples trip. But nothing happened. Nothing happened. I promise. Nothing happened.

Xavier: 24:31

I'm not judging.

Nicole: 24:33

Did you sleep in same bed with him?

Cindy: 24:35

Yes. But no, he's just my friend. It's like, it'll know that.

Nicole: 24:39

I get that.

Cindy: 24:41

I mean, he's cute, but no, no

Nicole: 24:44

romantic interest in him at all.

Cindy: 24:46

No, he's just an asshole.

Nicole: 24:51

I'm assuming

Cindy: 24:53

all the things that he say and he just tries to be a dick to me all the time. But I mean, he's he's a really good friend of ours. And then that we're in the same line of business. And so yesterday, and I told him, Look, your ex girlfriend is toxic. She's not it's not a good thing. You know what anyways, he's like, please don't tag me on anything. If you saw like, I stopped tagging people on my, on my Iceland pictures and a lot of my profile is is, is, is public. And he's like, can you block her? I'm like, Okay. Happens to be is that she does not know me and she does not like me at all. Because obviously I'm attractive, but I've been really good friends. And his family adores me. And she did not she does not know that I went to this Iceland trip with him. But now he's getting back together with her.

Nicole: 25:48

Of course he is. I was gonna call this last week. I fucking Yep.

Cindy: 25:55

And I'm like, Is he is he stupid? I'm like, Dude, I mean, this is gonna be like World War Three. And I found out about this, like, on the plane. I'm like, Oh, she's coming over tonight. I'm like, Dude, you're you're fucking things up, dude. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? And yeah, this is gonna be really interesting. I wonder how is this gonna end? But I mean, I'm friends with his his family. I mean, I met his cousins and all that. And I'm like, You're an idiot. You're an idiot. But I mean, we are friends. We are just friends. And that's it. But she does not accept the fact that she talks and works with other women, and that he has me as a friend. Well,

Nicole: 26:36

I'm interested to hear how it plays out. But I mean, I've not not on a normal basis, but like, this is not normal for me. But I have gone back to boyfriends in the past, like there was I needed to resolve whatever feelings I still had, and you know, not have any regrets. My ex husband is a perfect example. Like we should have probably gotten divorced five years prior to actually getting divorced. But I didn't want to have any regrets. So I stayed and tried to make it work. But But honestly, going back to the whole friendzone is not real. Like for our listeners that haven't seen that video. Can you kind of like, I guess, tell them a little bit about what you said?

Xavier: 27:18

Yeah, yeah. So um, so friendzone, if we were to define it, right, it is someone who wants someone that doesn't want them back, but keeps them in this space of like, you're just going to be a friend to me, but I'm still going to keep you around. Right. And what I've seen is that people define this friendzone like I've zoned you. So now you have to stay here. But it's almost like they become a victim of it, right? Where they're like, Okay. friendzone is happening right now. And you're in it, and you're receiving it. It's not it's not fun, right? And you feel like you're being used for your attention, for your love for everything. So it leaves a person feeling used. But if you look at it from a friendship perspective, if you would have set your expectations differently, see, it's not so much that you like this person, is that your expectations are out there, right? Your expectations are like this, when a friendship requires probably this right? Or none. Because I mean, think about a friendship. How does it work? When you meet someone, let's say you meet a girlfriend at or potential girlfriend at Starbucks, right? You're like, Hey, I like your cup. Okay, good. I would say it's numbers, okay. So when you see each other, you see each other when you don't, you don't, if you stop texting for four hours, you're not worried about it, because it just a friend. It's whatever and very matter of fact, so if you are not able to maintain that level of matter of fact, in your relationship, without feeling like I'm getting used, then that is more of a youth thing than them thing, because they've now established boundaries and said, I can only provide friendship level to you, and you're still like, Well, I still like you, but I'm gonna stay here. They're like, Okay, well, you can be my friend, but it's your choice. So at this point, you gotta take that initiative to say, You know what, I liked them way too much. You can do that. You can say I liked them too much. I'm too attracted. Let me get out of this because it's just not gonna work for me. I can't handle my attraction to this person without feeling like I'm gonna go crazy. Or you can say, You know what, let me scale back on my expectations. And just take it out of friendship level and maybe go date someone else, right and get my mind off of this because they might be a good friend. Not everybody you like is gonna like you back. Right? Especially not in that moment.

Cindy: 29:42

That is very true. You're right about that makes me think about this. So last year, the friend that I went with, to Iceland, he him and I we would actually like it was like, we would hang out all the time. But he would get his sexual needs from dating other people. And he's like, Well, I hang out with you. But I need to get my knees like, think about that. Like that's was that the friendzone?

Nicole: 30:09

You want to be friendzone?

Cindy: 30:10

No. I mean, he's, I mean, him and I were friends. I mean, I'm not interested in him in in any way, shape or form.

Xavier: 30:15

Well, if you're not interested in him, then there's no friendzone you guys are just friends.

Cindy: 30:19

Yeah, we're just friends. Okay. Interesting.

Xavier: 30:22

So he was hanging out with you. When was he? Were you guys dating? No. So how would you be friendzone?

Cindy: 30:29

No, no, because so we were we were we've always been friends. But I mean, because he would always tell me about like the dates and I'm like, okay, so how many people are do you have for the menu this week?

Nicole: 30:42

I think we've only had a roster at one time.

Cindy: 30:45

Like, so how many how many girls? He's like, okay, so I got so and so. And so I'm like, okay, cool. All right. He's like, Well, we can't hang out on Friday because I'm, I'm, I'm sleeping with this person. I'm like, Oh, cool. Okay, check out so he would disappear for two days. I'm like, Okay, fine. Hey, how was it was a good? Perfect. Do you see a future weather now? Next? I mean, so I guess it's no, it's just friendship. It's not no friendzone or anything there?

Xavier: 31:13

Yeah, it wasn't a friendzone. It would only be technically a friendzone by definition is if you really, really liked him. And he was keeping you in this friendship area, because then he would talk to you about these things as like, Bro. Like, you got to hear about this. Completely knowing that you are like in love with him. But it sounds like that wasn't the case. So no, you guys were just buddies. You know? Yeah.

Nicole: 31:36

Confession for you guys. So. So after, so my ex husband and I, we split, I guess it's coming up on four years. But so I didn't know how to date because we got married when I was 22. So when I, when I started getting back out there, of course, I would tell everyone like, Hey, I'm separated, like we've started the divorce process, whatever. But I didn't know how to do it. So I, this is terrible. But I know that I didn't get enough attention. And this is hindsight, obviously, hindsight, is 2020. But I know that I didn't get enough attention from my ex husband. And since I was out on my own living on my own. For the first time since I was like, 21. I would keep these guys who I know. We're really good guys. But I would keep their number just for the attention factor. And it makes me a little it makes me cringe thinking about like what I did in the past. And I should not have been dating at the time. But I just I wonder like, how many people do that? You know, like, yeah,

Cindy: 32:44

a lot of I love attention, having seen him an attention whore.

Nicole: 32:48

I think we all like attention.

Xavier: 32:50

I think most people like attention.

Nicole: 32:52

Yeah. Like I like I like people tell me that I look nice. You know, like, I like the attention but it's not like, it's not like it was it's not like I needed like, you know, someone to always be in my DMs like telling me like, oh my god, I love your eyes. I love your hair. Like in that's how it kind of was for me like, Was it like validation? Almost validation. Yes, yes. 100% 100%. And

Cindy: 33:16

like that, that kind of annoys me. No, I like I like messages, like having conversations and all that. I'm just like, oh, please just, I'll tell them fuck off.

Nicole: 33:25

Yeah, now it's different. Like, I don't need, I'm perfectly fine. Like staying home on a Friday or Saturday night, like watching like Dawson's Creek or whatever, in my jammies. But don't judge me for that. It's on HBO. Okay. But, you know, like, it's, it's different now, like not being in a toxic situation coming out of that. And like, realizing like how much you don't need that. It's nice to hear. But you don't need that validation, like all the time.

Xavier: 33:55

Yeah. And I think you know, that's where people normally get triggered by that conversation of friendzone. Because they're like, Oh, well, you know, someone who wants all of this validation and attention. But at the end of the day, you have to take some ownership on your side for that, too, right? Like you were giving freely giving out attention and validation, knowing nothing was going to come of it. So how much of it is really on them? Like, I mean, I can want whatever I want. But unless you give it to me, I don't receive it. Right? So that's where we need to start taking back ownership of what we're doing that's causing this reaction rather than just blaming the other person, because you can't stop yourself from over indulging into this emotional need. Right? So it goes both ways. It does.

Nicole: 34:43

It does well, so I want to kind of change directions and talk about your book. So Xavier, wrote a book it's called the Five toxic dating styles. So can you tell our listeners a little bit more about that book and where to find it?

Xavier: 34:58

Absolutely. So the book is on Amazon, it also has prime. So five toxic dating styles, and you can type my name if it doesn't come up because I'm new and everything, but it's basically about identifying yourself, right? The most brilliant thing that's happened to me in my life was when a mirror was put in front of me of how I was acting and how I was actually responding as opposed to what I thought of myself. And it's like one of those cringy things like when you take a selfie, and you can look at yourself as you're taking the selfie. So you're looking how you want to look, right, rather than how people see you. So when someone takes a back camera of you, there's a whole different image, right? You don't get to make the right face and everything. So I think we need that emotionally, right? And intellectually, we need to see ourselves and how we're responding. So each style is something that's been bred into us and the branches, often to others. But it's a foundation for what are we doing wrong? Right? This string of toxic relationships has happened to us. Why is it the other people? Is it something within us? And I hate to say it, but nine out of 10 When I talk to people, it's within them. And, of course, there are people out there that are the bad ones. But at the end of the day, it's an incompatibility that we're trying to overcompensate. And I tell people all the time, it takes one deal breaker to know if this is over. Only one to say I'm out. And if you date past that point, you're going to be in a toxic situation. So where is your No, in this? So that's what the book helps. And let me see. So there's the giver, the person who's overly giving, I give away too much. And I don't know when to stop. When do I stop giving? I feel like I'm not getting loved in return. Why isn't this working? There's the insecure one, the person who doubts themselves and constantly needs to be reassured, I'm the one who always has to win the one who always has to feel like they have the upper hand in the relationship, oh, I'm not, I'm gonna block you just to show you by you know. And then there's the control freak, the one who has to control the outcome of every situation, right? I need to know what's going to happen next. So I will control everything in this relationship to make sure I know where this is gonna go. And sometimes those people can tend to project because if they're not getting the outcome, if they don't know the outcome, and you're not giving them that satisfaction of their own personal outcome, they could project on you and make you feel like you're the bad guy because you didn't allow that natural flow. Because you know, you didn't allow the manufactured flow, this is what I call it, because they've manufactured their own reality, because they don't feel safe, unless they're in this reality. And the second you try to be yourself, get them to step out of their own reality, then they start to push back because they're like, I'm not happy, I'm not comfortable with this. I don't know what's gonna happen. I have a fear of the unknown. And I have doubts in my own natural ability. So what if you break my heart? What if this goes wrong? What if I, what if this fails? And what if I'm sad again, I've already gone through this. And that's, those people tend to try to control or like to have control. And they date people that represent that control. Right? They sometimes date the same kind of person, because they know if you were this and you talk like this, and you act like this, you're gonna be this type of husband or you're gonna be this type of wife and you're gonna have these type of children. So sorry, that mean to go off on a rant?

Nicole: 38:32

No, you're good? No, you're,

Cindy: 38:34

you're no good. Perfect. Yeah, you're completely right on that, because it's just like, okay, so why are we controlling? Why don't you just go with the flow, and I'm okay, and we're gonna say this, I'm a little bit of a control freak. And that's why it'll date anybody. I just see where it goes. I'm like, okay, like, sometimes we just have to let it happen. You know, whatever's going to happen is going to happen. If it's meant to be is meant to be, it's not meant to be then then it's not meant to be then just walk away. But if you're seeing something toxic, walk away, because you know what, even though you try to fix it, it's sometimes it's not even fixable, it's broken. And don't try to don't try to fix things because they're just broken. And then you have the fixer.

Xavier: 39:14

This and you see how they all kind of combined to in certain elements. So that's the other part of this is like, even though they're separate and distinguishable, there are connections Miniatur, right? And, like you said, trying to fix someone? Do they need fixing? Are they happy where they're at? And so many times we'll try to look at someone and say, Man, you're great, but if you just made like 40,000 more dollars, or if you got this promotion, or if you went to the gym for like the next year, or if you dress like this, or you responding more like this, you'd be top tier. And it's like, but how do they view themselves? And what type of mountain do they have to climb in order to get to that point, right because you And that's when there's a misinterpretation of effort, right ties back to effort, because people will say, Oh, it's so easy, I could do that. Like, it's literally just a slight adjustment to your personality. But that person might have some unresolved trauma that's keeping them from moving to this position. And you're basing it off your perception, which is fine. Your perception is your reality. But you have to understand their perception as well. If they see that as a mountain, and you see that as like a hill, you have to understand that difference.

Cindy: 40:31

But then again, do they really want to do that? You know, not everybody wants to be fixed, not everybody wants to change? Like, why are you even getting yourself into that situation? Just like, for instance, I usually never bring my husband into this, but my ex husband doesn't want to be fixed. He doesn't want to seek help. So you know what? I'm done.

Xavier: 40:54

So here's the question like, is it like, like, isn't the two questions? Does it need to be fixed? And do they want to fix it? Right? If they've identified it's a problem. And they say it should be fixed. That's one thing. But if you've identified it's a problem. And they don't really see it like that. They see how you see it. But they're like, I don't see that as a problem, then it's an incompatibility. Right. And that becomes a deal breaker. Because it's like, I see this as something I can't move past right, no matter how great this is, this is one thing that we have a hard stop on an absolutely have not. And this person is like, Well, I see how you see it, but I don't see it as a big deal. It's whatever. Now you're trying to get them to change something that they don't even see as a big deal. So it takes over 30 days for a person to build a habit. We're habit based creatures, that's 30 days or more of consciously frontal lobe consistently making that effort, I have to wake up every day and think I should really think about this before I do it. I remember, this is who I want to be now. It's hard for most people to do that within a year. So how long are you willing to give them? And how important is it to them to make that change for you? Right? It's, there's so many variables?

Cindy: 42:14

And then are they learned to take the proper steps? You know, if they're not willing to do any of that? Because Okay, so let's put it yes, it takes 30 days to build a habit. But then again, are they willing to do that for the next two to three days? Are they willing to take baby steps? And are you going to be able to help them? Are you going to be there to support them and be there along the way? It's not only changing on one side, but it's also changing on both sides. And it's a it's a relationship, it's a couple of you're trying to help them. But then again, are you so new to the relationship that is not even? What are you getting yourself into? Are you looking at that?

Xavier: 42:54

And sometimes we have to look at ourselves in that regard as well. Because, yes, this person may have a challenge or two, right? We all do. None of us are exceptions to challenges. We're all flawed. So how patient are they being with you? Because if they're being patient throughout your struggles and your challenges, because like we said, no one's perfect. Are you willing to be patient with them? Now, there are extremes, where it's like, well, if you're not being treated, well, you're not being loved properly, and you're completely unhappy, then yeah, you got to, you got to move a little quicker on those. But if, if you're willing to be patient, patience is key to all of this. Like, we want to clear up most relationship and marital issues, be more patient. Because we are people, we're human beings. And sometimes we need time. And we need love and support.

Cindy: 43:46

But now my question is, how much? How much time do you need? Because if you're telling me, for instance, my ex husband and I, we had a conversation, it was last year, and I told them, okay, so I told him, Hey, let's try to make this workout. I mean, you're about to retire and all that he's like, I need more time. Are you fucking kidding me? It's been three over three years, and you need more time. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. I mean, it's just like, I mean, how much time is time? You know, that's my question.

Nicole: 44:16

I think it depends on you know, the person like, I might need time to, you know, build up my, I don't know, let's, I don't know, money wise, like, I need time to like build up money to like, let's say redo my kitchen or whatever. Like, it takes. It takes time, but it's dependent on, I guess, the individual person. But I think that's where like communication comes into play, is if you're not communicating during this time that they need. What's the point?

Xavier: 44:43

So, here's, here's the first thing right, and this is why I love tying things into the beginning because there's so many things in the beginning. Number one is when you commit to someone, and even more particularly when you marry someone, you have to marry them for who they At that moment and say, if you're like this forever, I'm good. That's number one. So if you're getting married, and you didn't say that when you married the person, I'm good with them in their entirety. Now don't get me wrong. All of us need to improve in some shape or form throughout our life. Right? Yeah. But if they don't improve much from this area that you currently married them at, are you going to be okay to still stay married? Because if you say no to that, then you shouldn't be getting married.

Cindy: 45:33

But then my Okay, so then you you brought a very valid point. But then again, you have people that also they evolve with time with life. I mean, but then again, okay, if you can't live with that, then that's fine. Then another thing that people don't see is, are you willing to have kids with that person? Do you see yourself having that kid with that person? Yeah. Because then you don't then walk away, walk away, even if it's a five second. Passion, or, you know, whatever it is, you know, are you willing to have a kid with this person?

Xavier: 46:08

And I think, I think that also, you know, contributes to the relationship constructs, right? Like, we always say, you date someone you got to date, it's got to lead to marriage, it's got to lead to kids, some relationships are just meant to be flings. Some are just meant to be lessons. Some are just, hey, I'm attracted to you, we're attracted to each other, we can hang out for a while, and then we just call it quits, you know, like, we I don't think we should try so hard to place all of these strong, like, I don't know, structures around everybody's relationship in the same category. Not everybody is capable of having the same relationship with each other. Right? Like, not all of us are compatible in the same ways. Not everybody you meet is going to be the person you should marry. So it's time to start representing, you know, what do we fit in? Like, we're where we can be romantic. We can have fun, but marriage just doesn't sound like because marriage is more than just feelings. It's more than just I saying I love you. It's a business.

Nicole: 47:07

Yeah,

Cindy: 47:07

it's a partnership.

Xavier: 47:09

Yeah.

Nicole: 47:10

Legal documents.

Cindy: 47:12

To be with that.

Xavier: 47:13

I have a lot of friends that I wouldn't go into business with, you know, but I love them, you know?

Cindy: 47:19

Now, my question is, is you gotta ask yourself, are you willing to go in business with that person? And it's just like, Nicole tells me all the time I see as dating as a business transaction, and I shouldn't look at it. It's like, okay, sign the documents. You want to sign the documents? All right, sold? No, no. But it's just like, where are your limitations? Are you willing to pull the plug with that person or run away? Call it quits.

Xavier: 47:46

So what do you mean? Pull the plug?

Cindy: 47:50

pull the plug? Are you willing to get married? Are you really willing to not get married? Maybe pulling the plug, say like, No, I'm walking away from this completely. Because I wouldn't go into business with them.

Xavier: 48:01

So here's the thing. And that's, that's. So even though I call marriage more like a business, it is a different kind of business. Right? And it's because it's a marriage. It's like living style, as opposed to, hey, we're gonna both be accountants now and start being CPAs. So I think that you don't necessarily have to be able to work in the same company, like, but if you can live in the same household and run the household and raise the children, and both have the same ideology on those principles. I think that's where the marital business is kind of like its own unit, right? Because you're, you're dictating your future for your lifestyle. Job is separate. You know, like, I when I come home from work, I'm not trying to bring none of that to the house like,

Nicole: 48:50

Yeah, same.

Cindy: 48:55

We are cutting it close to time.

Nicole: 48:58

I know, Nick. I do. So thank you so much for for joining us today. Like this was very enlightening. And again, like we love your videos, and we love seeing your your Red Hat pop up on our screen.

Cindy: 49:12

Oh my gosh, I love him. One last thing. One last thing. Okay. Yeah, so I know, I know, I know. You have to leave. Okay, so one of the videos that I saw was that, Why are men not happy with a good woman by their side? And savvy brought an excellent, really good point on this. So is it only men? Or is it only when women and men doing the same thing?

Nicole: 49:39

Think we're doing the same thing?

Xavier: 49:41

I think Well, here's the thing. There's not many differences between men and women. You know, and I think we're trying so hard to separate the two so significantly, and you can't because a lot of us. Men and women are mostly the same in a lot of ways we just respond differently and that Could be because of conditioning, social upbringing, and you know, parts of it are nature driven. But it's like, for example, the word emotional is normally assigned to women, right? But men are emotional as well. They just respond with anger and frustration. And they don't call that emotional. So that's why when I made that video about emotional intelligence, the dude was being completely emotional in the video. Yes, he was he was yelling at me, he was going to top of his lungs. And then he said, we're not going to respond like women. I said, I hate to say it, but looks like a lot of women are responding a lot healthier than you are.

Nicole: 50:39

I love that video. Like cuz I think you handled that perfectly.

Cindy: 50:44

I'm gonna have to look at that video. I'm gonna look at it like, Okay, let me see.

Xavier: 50:48

Oh, yeah, we got into it. And then I made a video after it where I had to school him on statistics. So there was there was a whole nother thing.

Nicole: 50:57

I mean, there's what I call him out, even though I know who he is.

Cindy: 51:02

To tell me later, but sabe it was really, really an honor to have you on our podcast, and we look forward to having you again. And Nicole.

Nicole: 51:13

Yeah, no, thank you guys for listening. And don't forget it's Xavier Smith and his book is called Five toxic daily sales. It's on Amazon. If you guys have any topics or questions that you want to talk to us about or have us answer on the podcast. Our email is dearbaddiesbbd@gmail.com So thank you guys so much and have a great rest of your day.

Cindy: 51:36

Till next time