Episode 66 - Knowing When To Walk Away - Dating with Aly

Dating, knowing your self-worth, knowing if that's the person that you will be spending your life with? Or let's change the fact that you see yourself having kids with that one person you are with, but you have doubts? What do with that? Can you walk away? Is it time to walk away from that relationship? Are you afraid or not finding love?

Tune in with my Special Guest "Dating with Aly" Self Confidence Dating Coach.
https://www.tiktok.com/@datingwithaly?_t=8a63elPn81e&_r=1

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Transcript

Cindy: 0:18

Hello, and welcome with real estate and the adventures of parenthood and today I have a special guest. And it she is a dating confidence coach and her name is Aly. Hello. Hi, Aly. Welcome to my podcast.

Aly: 0:35

I'm so excited to be here. I feel like we have so many good topics to talk about today.

Cindy: 0:40

I completely agree. Especially. I mean, there's so many things, especially in the dating world nowadays. I mean, some people are a little bit frustrated, some people are going to break up some people are going through divorce. I've been dealing with a lot of divorces lately, and how to handle how to handle those breakups. But then, how do you become emotionally attached and detached from people? Especially when those exes coming back? Be like, Hey, so do you want to sleep with me again? Excuse me? Yeah, there's so many things. But then again, I mean, we talked about a little bit about the body count. I mean, sleeping with an ex. It doesn't increase your numbers, though, right?

Aly: 1:24

That's so funny, because that crossed my mind earlier. I don't remember why I was thinking about this. But I'm like, if you're gonna have a friends with benefits, I feel like it's best to just like find an ex, maybe, but not an ex that you still have, like, really strong feelings for or any feelings for? Or next, who treated you terribly? Like if you just have like, a basic ex, you know, just like someone who was there in the past, then yeah, you're not sleeping with anybody new. You already know me or you know each other? I feel like that'd probably be the best decision.

Cindy: 1:53

I mean, I thought about that. But then again, I mean, all my exes are overseas. So it's just like, but I mean, is it something that really want to go back to? But then again, once you start sleeping with that person, you kind of get feeling second for them?

Aly: 2:10

Yeah, I think it can be really dangerous, for sure. Because I always talk about how if you are going to sleep with someone, you need to remember that especially as a woman, we get attached when we sleep with people and it's not up to us, we don't get to decide that's biology. You know, we have oxytocin that's released when we're having sex when we're cuddling, when we have that physical intimacy at all. And if you don't want to be attached to a person emotionally, then it's probably best that you don't do it. And so that's why I've said in a podcast episode before I talked about how I would sometimes sleep with an ex of mine, but it was something that I had, like no feelings for could not imagine being back with. It was just like physical attraction. And anything more than that, I feel like it even that that can get dangerous. If I were to have seen him too often, if I would have had, you know, a lot of extra time with him, then you start to question like, oh, maybe? Should we maybe get back to it? No, no, but that's what sex will do. It's very, very tricky. So if you can hold off and not sleep with anyone that you don't want to get attached to, that's probably your best bet.

Cindy: 3:16

And I completely agree. That's why I don't sleep with any of my exes or sleep with anybody actually, in fact, so. But because my so I'm afraid of getting emotionally attached to someone. And that's just like, because you you kiss. Some people say you shouldn't kiss if you're gonna just have sex. And it's just like, but then again, you start imagining like, I'm spending more time with this person. I want to see this person more. And even though it's a friends with benefits situation, you will eventually someone's gonna get hurt sooner or later.

Aly: 3:53

Yeah, I think that's very true in most situations. I think there are some occasions where that doesn't happen. But I think the majority is, yeah, something build something grows. And it reminds me back. I don't know, a few years ago, I had dated this guy, and no one put me through more than this guy did. It was terrible roller coaster, my therapist and all my friends could not stand him and the way he treated me, but I put up with it. That was my choice. And after he had decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship, and he didn't want to date me. I still stuck around. It was ridiculous. But it was mainly like a friends with benefits thing. And we actually we didn't we never talked about not kissing. But that was just something we did not do. Because it felt like too intimate and weird and helps a little bit I'll say but not all the way my feelings were definitely still there. I remember always hoping it would turn into something more. I was always hoping that something would grow from it. And I mean a friendship group. So I guess I'm thankful for that at the time. But I it's super not recommended. Super not recommended. It doesn't usually change from there. If it starts out as sick, the chances of it turning into something more on any levels pretty low.

Cindy: 5:10

So my question is, is it like I've seen a lot of people like hey, you know, I date a person once or twice like going on dates, no kissing, no nothing. And all sudden, like, oh, no, you should just go see where it goes on. You should just keep on trying. But if the person tells you, hey, I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to date a person, you know, that is traveling all the time or working a lot, you know, then if they don't see a future, then what didn't you just walk away?

Aly: 5:42

Yeah, I wish more people would do that. I think we have to start believing people early on instead of trying to read between lines that aren't there. I think a lot of us tried to do that where we'll maybe he met this. Maybe he didn't mean it like that. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he's asking like my boyfriend says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he's taking me on another date. Okay, cool. He said, I just want to be in a relationship, believe him. Like, in general, I think we shouldn't believe people's actions over words. Unless their words are, I don't want to be with you, or don't want to commit to you. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't I'm not ready for anything serious. Even if he's acting like a boyfriend, taking you on all the dates or meeting his friends and family, I literally, I don't care what he's doing. He says he doesn't want to be with you in some way. Trust that and walk away, because you're going to get hurt.

Cindy: 6:34

And that's the thing. It's just like, when you start questioning your thing. It's just like, so where am I? What are you doing? Like, I went on a date, I went on six dates with this guy. Friends, I mean, I met his friends, I met his family. And I'm like, Dude, you don't want to be with me. You don't want to date me. But then again, you're planning all this stuff. You want to go on trips with me? Ya know, I'd rather not be your friend. And I just rather walk away. And he got butthurt. Because I told him that and I'm like, you're showing me other things than being like, you want to be with me. But you're saying that you don't want to be with me?

Aly: 7:17

Yeah, some people want to have their cake and eat it too. It's a selfish thing. You know, if somebody says they don't want to be in a relationship, and you choose to walk away, and they're mad about that, that says a lot about them that like that level of selfishness. Like, I had a client recently, who was dating this guy for a little while, and everything seemed great. Everything was really good. And he even met for parents, and he wanted her to meet his parents soon. And I had asked her Do you did have you had the relationship conversation though? Because in her eyes, even in my eyes, it's like, okay, obviously heading towards a relationship. Everything's adding up. But if you haven't had the conversation, you don't really know. And she was really nervous to have that conversation. Luckily, she did later that night, and it all kind of came out that we didn't want a relationship, and he wasn't that serious. And then he also said some pretty hurtful unnecessary things. And the big question was, well, why do all this why take me on these days? Why meet my parents? Why come to dinner with us? I don't know. I remember I was even asking the guy I was dating. I was like, What's your man opinion on this? Like, why would a guy do anything? I don't know. That's weird. But people do things like that they do boyfriend like things, but don't actually want to be boyfriend. So anything like that. I mean, you can try to spend your time figuring out why they're doing that. But who cares? Just walk away.

Cindy: 8:41

So now my question is, do you think people just say that because there's more options nowadays? Or is it because.. go ahead.

Aly: 8:51

No, no, no. What? What was your other one?

Cindy: 8:53

No. I mean, it's because they have more options nowadays. And they want to meet see if there's something better.

Aly: 9:01

I think that's really a thing. Yeah. It makes me sad to think about, but I think JD I love dating apps. I think they're great, convenient. That's like pretty much where I get every date I've ever been on. But I think the downside to dating apps is that there's always more, and we can all even I catch myself doing this, like, I'll be dating somebody. And then you find a flaw or how people say, now you get the egg, you find something that's not perfect. And then you start to wonder, well, there's someone out there who's a better match for me. And then you know, you can just pull out your phone and swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, and you have hundreds or 1000s of options of more people available to you. And if you I don't know get stuck in your head about that. Yeah, you're gonna self sabotage and you're gonna walk away for some from something that has nothing, just a lot of potential. It's already really good and has the potential to be even better. But it's like, oh, there's there's more options out there. Maybe I could find a better fit. And I think it's it's so sad because people back in I don't know, I always think back to like, the 70s 80s, even 90s people when they were dating, you met someone they it felt like you were pretty compatible, and there's good chemistry and you figured it out. You didn't just give up so easily I think people give up a lot easier because of the amount of options we have online.

Cindy: 10:23

And you're right about that. I mean, now that you say that, I mean, it's just like, you know, there's only Okay, so back in the 70s 80s, I would say probably early 90s, I can't remember, you know, when cellphones came up, came out, it was like, but it's like, so it was snail mail, meaning that you sent a letter of communication. And you had to call like, hey, you know, what drink ring is, hey, is Sally there? Can I talk to her? Or go to their house? Right? If you didn't go to their house, it was like, okay, but now, and back then it was like meeting friends through friends, unless you go to different parties or so forth. That's how you met other people. But I'm not I've never actually I've never talked check this or anything. But you're right. I mean, that's why, like, older people now have had those marriages 30 to 50 years of marriage. But now you have the divorce rate that is bigger. I mean, it's the stats are higher on that. But

Aly: 11:23

divorce, I was just gonna say divorces, it's so high. And I don't know what the rates used to be. So I can't necessarily compare it. But I do know a lot of people get divorced. And especially if you get married in your early 20s, you're I forget the exact percentages. But if you're married before 25, I think it's like 70, something percent chance of divorce. And then if you get married between 25 and 30, it goes down a bit, but it's still like relatively high. And people don't think about that, like, I see so many women who are like, I just wish I would have found my person at a really young age. And I wish I would have had kids before, you know, I was 25. Like people say stuff like that all the time. And I've even felt like that. But then you actually look at the numbers. And it doesn't work out most of the time. For some people it does. And I think that's great. But I think a lot of people like the idea of being married, they like the idea of having a husband, they like the idea of the white picket fence and the whole, the whole dream. So they just pick someone and I've had clients like that, who admit that to me, who are going through a divorce who have gone through a divorce or had a broken engagement. And they were just in a sense settling in I actually did that entire early 20s. I think we were engaged, we were together for five years. Even though I knew he probably wasn't the right person for me. I knew that he would stick around, I knew, I knew he wasn't going to leave me. So it felt very safe. And even though I knew I wanted something better, I wanted something more. I knew that I could get him to like, I don't know, marry me, have a family with me, blah, blah, because he would have done anything to be with me. But I wouldn't have been super happy. But I was willing to do that. Thankfully, it did not happen. Thankfully, like, I walked away from that, whatever. But it's just too easy to go down that path because you like the idea of it. And you see other people do it. And you have to make sure it's truly the right person. Because divorce is not fun, and it's not cheap.

Cindy: 13:28

Hopefully magnets are too expensive. Be like it's the best investments that I've actually spent my money in. Yeah, you look at the bright side. I mean, yeah. But I mean, it's true. Because I mean, I did settle with my, my first ex husband, I was like, I don't want to I don't want to be I mean, I wanted I married him. And the reason I married him was like, hey, you know what, I want to make sure that he's gonna be there all the time. And because he wasn't going to cheat on me, and I settled in I and I remember that whenever I saw him, I knew that he was not going to be he was not going to leave me. But I was wrong. I was completely wrong about that. And sometimes we have to look at what our standards are, what do we want. And if you don't see your person 3040 years down the road, then walk away. If you see your point that you can you see, because you can don't they say that it's 172 days or 182 days to actually know if that's a person that you want to be with the person that you want to spend your life with. See if there's a study on that, and I've seen Steve Hardy Harvey, say that over and over again. So they say that it takes 182 days to know if that's your person. If you don't know within 182 days that that's your person. Walk away. Why are you spending your time? Three 510 1520 years and you're still having that men marry? Or no we're just dating Excuse me? You have a whole family and you're what? Oh, he hasn't proposed? What? And you're playing? No, no, no, no, no, no, not with me. Two years I'll give you two years tops and I walk away you don't want to be with me then you know what, then? I'm not gonna waste My time I have a life to live. And if you don't want to be part of it walk away.

Aly: 15:23

Oh, I've never heard that statistic. But that is so interesting. So interesting. And so 182 days is about what, like half of a year. And I think that's really interesting because I remember my ex and I, when we were together, we had talked about that, because we were, I think, like five months into our relationship or something. And it's so funny, because he broke up with me a month later. But we were, he was like, I can't believe I'm in love with my best friend. Like, I thought this was just a movie. Like when people would say stuff like this, like, I thought it was crazy. And I'm like, Yeah, isn't it great? Like, I don't know, we just had like, all this love and all these good conversations. And I remember saying to him, because it was again, almost our six months, I said something along the lines of I feel like if you don't know that a person is your person, by six months, you're wasting your time. And it doesn't mean that you're gonna be right, you know, like, you can find shit out nine months and a year in, whatever. But if at the six month mark, you're not pretty confident that you want to spend your life with this person. It's probably a waste, especially the older you get. I think it's different. If you're like, 2122, okay, fine, you probably need some more time to figure yourself out. But if you are in your mid late 20s, above, anything above that, you should be pretty damn sure. And if you're not figuring out what's missing, and why am I sticking around? What am I waiting? What am I waiting to figure out? Because I think if, if you're six months, and you're like, I still don't know if this is a person I would want to marry? What are you looking for? And is this something that's changeable? Not and not in the sense that you need or should change your partner? But is this something that the partner is working on? You know, or is it something like this is a permanent thing that I cannot accept about this person? But I'm hoping one day, maybe I will accept it, you're probably not going to, and you're going to be miserable?

Cindy: 17:15

And and yes, yes, yes. And I agree with that. It's just like, but then why are we settling? That's the thing, why are you sticking there, and I understand you get used to it, and then that's where it comes the emotional attachment. But then, if this is not what you want, if you can't see yourself with that person, you cannot see yourself having a future. And think about this. If you cannot see yourself having kids with that person, that person is not for you. Because that's what happened with my first marriage, I cannot see myself having, I did not want to get I did not want to have kids. And I told them, I'll never have kids with you. And I didn't have kids with them. And and that's a big sign. Look at the person, you look at the person and you cannot see yourself having kids with that person. That person is not for you walk away, you're wasting your time, even though it's going to be painful. And all that I'm telling you is going to be worth it in the end. Because once you get into a relationship, imagining having kids with a person that you didn't want to have kids with, you're going to not be attached two or three years, you're going to be attached more than 18 years of your life. So imagine going to birthday parties, weddings, grandkids, I mean, you're building a whole generation with that person.

Aly: 18:32

Yeah, yeah, it's true. You're literally stuck with them forever, at that point in some capacity. And part of its like, do you see them actually being a good father like this? I heard it worded so Well, recently, I don't remember where, but it was something along the lines of would you want if you were to have a son with this person, would you want your son to end up like that, like your boyfriend or your husband? And if you would not want your son to be like them? Why the hell are you marrying them? Why is that the person you're choosing if you wouldn't essentially want to replicate them, because one, that's who's gonna raise them. So they're not only gonna have the genetics of this person, and like those tendencies, but they're raising them, they're teaching them. And if you aren't comfortable with that, that says a lot about the person you're choosing because I know for me, like, if I were to have a daughter, I wouldn't want her to be like me, and a lot of ways, not in every way. But in a lot of ways like I because I've worked hard on myself, I admire myself, I like things about me, right? And I want a husband, who I'm like, Yes, I'm okay with having a son pretty much just like you. And if you're not feeling that, that's rough, and then also you're stuck with them forever.

Cindy: 19:48

And not only that, you're stuck with them. You're stuck with their family. Yes. Yes. And yes. I mean, and if they get remarried, and they have kids and all that, that's you, you see the message you're trying we're trying to avoid you guys like and I'm not saying it's a mess I'm saying trying to avoid you guys situations that you guys don't want to be in that you guys don't see it. Like I said, if you guys don't see yourself into a relationship Building life with that person just walk away. And I mean, sometimes yes, I mean, it's good to have fun. But what if a child comes along from there?

Aly: 20:26

Yeah, yeah. And even if let's say somebody's like, why am I even having sex with them, like, I'm just spending my time that's doing your life. You're like that your life passing by. And so many people I see, wish they had done things different at a younger age, like I have a lot of women in like their late 30s, who, like, oh, I focus so much on credit and focus on dating. And now, I regret it because I don't have a partner and what if I can't have kids, or they're like, I spent so many years with the wrong person, knowing it was the wrong person. And now I regret that, because I feel very behind in life. And so I feel like we always have this intuition. We always know the always know. But sometimes we choose to ignore it or avoid it. Because we want the almost like the instant gratification, you know, I'm getting attention from this person, I'm getting compliments from this person, I'm getting physical touch from this person, I'm going on dates, and like having good laughs and making memories. I have someone who says good morning and talks to me every day. So it feels good in the moment. But if you know that long term, it's going to end badly, or what, you know, whatever, like, you're just prolonging the pain. And also, the longer you stay with the wrong person, the longer it's gonna take to find the right person. So it's hard, it's hard to walk away from I used to do the same thing, but oh, my gosh, don't recommend it.

Cindy: 21:51

It's so and that's what I was gonna say. It's just like, once you are you're with that, let's say for instance, you're the person that you don't want to be with. And you're like, No, we're just friends with benefits right now. You're blocking that person, the person that is supposed to come to you, you're blocking that path. So I would say no, but then again, now my question is, is let's say for instance, you have a friend with benefits, and you have this person that you don't want to don't want to be with, don't see yourself with? How do you actually detach from that, because that's an emotional, that's an emotional connection.

Aly: 22:26

Yeah, I think everyone has to have a different, everyone has a different personality. And so you kind of have to go with your personality on this one. Obviously, the easiest thing in theory is just cutting off, you know, cold turkey, and it whatever. But that's not always realistic, it's a lot harder that way, especially if you do have a strong emotional attachment, or you've been seeing this person for a long time or whatever. But you can slowly start detaching, but I would start with the conversation with the person and let them know where you're standing. Because if you can this person have been seeing each other for a while or sleeping together for a while, and all of a sudden you flip without telling them what's going on and why you're doing this, it's not really fair to them, either. So I would communicate how you're really feeling like I'm getting really attached, it's making me uncomfortable. Or even if you don't want to admit that, let's say, you can just say I want to focus more on finding a relationship, or I really want to focus my energy on finding the person for me. And so I'm going to be spending less time with you or anything along those lines. A lot of people are uncomfortable with that level of vulnerability and being direct. But that's the way I think it's best for everybody, because everyone deserves that level of honesty, in my opinion. But I would start with that. And then start focusing on like, I'm really big into visualization. Visualize your dream partner, and your dream life with them. Whether it's, you know, six months into the relationship where you're imagining your wedding day, or imagining having a family with them, whatever feels really good to you for a future, start doing a little exercise with yourself everyday where you lay in bed, and you imagine the life of that person and what it would feel like, and usually when I asked my clients, if they say they feel peace, they feel safe, they feel calm. And I'm sure you're friends with benefits is not making you feel those ways. You're probably feeling like excited and passionate and no, we want to focus on like, how do I want to feel long term. Imagine that feeling and start putting your energy in that direction. So you're not focusing on necessarily what you're losing with your friends with benefits relationship, but you start focusing on what you're gonna gain what's coming to you. But the and I've done this myself before to like when you're sticking around with some other friends with benefits or you're just dating somebody you know, isn't like a forever person, you start to almost like not even try to find the right person because you're getting that instant gratification. Like your needs are kind of being met in a way. And so it's like, well, I could just put it off like I don't need to go on more dates. I don't need to really meet more people. I don't need to do that right now. But then time passes you by and you're gonna wish you didn't do that. So the sooner the better if you're feeling that attachment.

Cindy: 25:08

So now that we like I like now that we talked about like the how do you actually detach from a person? I know a lot of people have like a hard time like What do you want with me? I mean, where do you see yourself with me? Do you see yourself? You know, growing all together? Do you see yourself marrying me having kids? And you're right about that, because I remember that I was dating my ex boyfriend. And we had, like, it was not even six months into the relationship. And he asked me, Do you want to move with me to Japan? I'm like, No. And he's like, so what are we doing here? And I'm like, we can still have a long distance relationship, but I'm not moving to Japan. And that's where like, oh, you know, what, then, if you really wanted to be with someone, then you would move across the world for them. But for me, it's because hey, you know, I have my business here. I built my business, and it's not that easy.

Aly: 26:15

And I think if it's like a temporary distance to, then it makes sense. You know, if they're moving to Japan forever, then yeah, if you want to be with them forever, you would move. But if you knew it was going to be a temporary move, I feel like, I feel like it could make sense. But I can also understand why another person would be like, if you really wanted to be with me would go, but I just don't I don't know if that's always the case, especially if you you built a life somewhere, and a business.

Cindy: 26:43

And then I mean, Islam is like, can it be worked with a long distance relationship? Because then this is what we're getting into now? Long distance relationship? Can it be worked into, but then just because if you're with someone that has, like, you know, friends with benefits, and then you say, hey, you know, what, can I handle? This is a long distance relationship, can I see myself as this person or not? Can I?

Aly: 27:12

Yeah, long distance relationships, is a different type of relationship. And you, I feel like, if you're gonna get into one, you have to have so many conversations beforehand, to make sure it's actually going to feel good for both people, because they feel like people go into them with different expectations. Like, this is how it's going to be, but the other person has a different idea. And it's hard because relationships are about proximity. And that physical touch, that's the main difference between a romantic partner and a friend, even a best friend, is all the, you know, the physical touch, and etc, etc, etc. And then you're losing that piece when it's long distance. And so you want to make sure it doesn't become like a friendship. And how do you make that happen? I just think, before anyone gets into long distance, which can work, especially if it's temporary, long distance, but you have to make sure you guys are on the same page of what that would look like for both of you to feel happy and fulfilled.

Cindy: 28:12

And I agree with that. It's just like I say, like, it's like building a solid foundation, in order to get a relationship is, like we discussed earlier off the podcast. So it's like, people want that instant gratification. Okay, so we're on our third date, do you want to marry me? What? Why can you just enjoy the moment just get to know each other, versus just jumping into a relationship and saying, I want to get married. There's no rush for anything, because the right person is going to be there for you. And it's not going to leave regardless.

Aly: 28:49

Yeah, I think it's good to at least have a conversation to make sure you both want to not do it and have talked about marrying each other on the third date, a little intense. But like, make sure you at least both want the same end goal, even if it's like not with me. Do you want to get married? Is it something you're like making sure you're on the same page, but I've definitely been on dates with people, especially when I was like, 26. I don't know what it was. But people on first or second dates would talk about marrying me being in a relationship with me. They would talk about like, I remember, Oh, my God. But I think it was probably like 2016 I went on a first date. He said he didn't want to have kids. I knew I wanted to have kids one day, I still went on a second date with him. This was a different phase in my life. So went on a date with him the next time, I ended up sleeping with the guy. And I just it was one of those days where I knew even without the kids say I'm like he's just not the person for me. I just had this intuition, you know, and I stayed over that night woke up one morning, and he said something about like, having kids wanting a family. But the first date like days before he said the opposite. And I looked at him I was so confused. And I remember laying in his bed asking him like, but you said you didn't want to have kids straight up said to me on our second date. He looks at me he goes that's because I've never been in love before. A second. Yeah, and honestly, it was a little terrifying. But at the same time, that was like the kind of personal was attracting like all the time. They would just be like I could see myself marrying you and day, I could see myself being in a relationship with you. I know this is a lot like, it was always so much. And I was very flattered with it at that time in my life now, when I hear shit like that It scares me. I'm like, this isn't even about me. Because you can't, you cannot have feelings that strong for me that early on. And so it feels like you need help. Not like you actually like me that much.

Cindy: 30:47

Yeah, no, that's a extremely red flag. Block to lead. Don't ever say no, no. Yeah, we don't know each other, don't ya all through all social media. Don't ever contact me. I'll call you. Don't call me. I'll call you okay? Yeah, no, no, no, no. Like, the second day be like, I'd love you to wouldn't bury me. But then again, I mean, in some locations, it does work for people. In some cases, it doesn't work. But then again, it's just like, yeah, no, no,

Aly: 31:22

I can't tell you how many times it's had an interest from crossed my mind. Again, that one of my exes, who is like the coolest guy. He's super cute, like all good things. But he really oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. He really tried to get me pregnant within our first few weeks of dating. And oh, I swear to you, and this is when I was 28. I think 28. So not long ago. And I was like, No, I thought he was kidding. I genuinely thought this was a joke. He was dead serious. And then he was like, How can we go to the courthouse, get married? I was like, You're kidding. You're joking. He was not joking at the time.

Cindy: 32:00

And you said that was your ex boyfriend? How long? It was?

Aly: 32:05

I think Five months. Five months? Yeah, that was, that was a few within the first month, I would say I was not first of all, in the most like, Great headspace at the time. I got out of a big breakup earlier that year. And so I was kind of like in that space. But also there were so many good qualities about him. And like I remember my brother really liked him. And like, he just had so so many good things going for him that I was like, Oh, he's being silly. And I tried not to make it like a huge thing. And now I look back. I'm like, Oh, God, he was not okay. I still want to all the talk to the guy now like as friends. And I mean, he's cool. He's right. He didn't even like to talk about that, because I think he's just embarrassed because he was also obviously not in a good place. This is kind of like what the fuck was wrong with me? So I try not to throw it back in his face. Because that shit was crazy.

Cindy: 32:58

Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, no, yeah, no, no, no. Enjoy your life, travel, do whatever you want to don't think about having kids right now. I mean, if he, but it's just like waiting for that right person. And he can see like yourself having kids with that person? I would say Yeah, do it. But if you don't run away.

Aly: 33:19

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree.

Cindy: 33:21

So I do have one. One question here is something that we never talked about is getting emotionally attached through text messages. Let's say for instance, nowadays, we start with social media, you slide into people's DMS. I mean, I I've always done it. But with single people, I make sure I read I do my research. Let's call her research, not stalking

Aly: 33:48

I wouldn't ever people say like, oh, like I What's his name? Nick. I don't know if it's BL vile, something like that guy. I've never watched a bachelor. So I don't really know what I'm talking about here. But I did read his book. It's called Don't text your ex Happy Birthday. And he found his now girlfriend because she slid into his DMS and he talks about how like that's a way to meet people and like how do you even know where to find these people? Like whose DMS are you signing into? Someone I went to high school with like, what do I do? What do I do?

Cindy: 34:17

Okay, so this is a totally different story. But I mean, welcome to my world.

Aly: 34:22

Yeah, yeah, I want to hear it.

Cindy: 34:24

Okay, so I, I call it research. It's not stalking people. It's not It's I like I like digging and getting information and seem like, well, you know what? I do that for a living. So if I see a cute guy, Laci Francis on Instagram on tick tock on LinkedIn on Facebook, I'll add them. I usually will follow them. It depends because I have two Instagrams account. And I just made the private public. But if I see a cute guy, I'll just check I'll just research researcher first name and last name and check their state to and you just start Okay, so you start liking their pictures, you start commenting, be consistent, that is something called consistent. That's how they will actually you'll actually Stand, stand out with DMing people and in that's how they're going to start if you slide into their DMS and go check them out.

Aly: 35:27

Interesting. I have never done that or really thought to do that before. But that's kind of cool.

Cindy: 35:34

Yeah, but this is all about like, so if you're and this is, this is not only for dating, but this is also for So I have done it with business business. me to see that this is how we connected. So. So I also do like, TikTok to like, if I like somebody or I, you know, I find them on tick tock, then I'll find them on on Facebook, I'll find them on LinkedIn, I'll find them on Instagram. So this actually works for all the, for all areas in your life. So I mean, it's just like, if you see a cute guy, then just make sure that they notice you. And when you start commenting and liking their pictures and all that don't go like 10 years. Like weighed like weigh in with like, oh, yeah, this is like, oh, he looks like you. I mean, you can actually definitely look at their Instagram they their tick tock and all that and see when they start it. But don't go looking. Don't start lucky. be like what was it 10 years ago, like, oh, wow,

Aly: 36:31

I'm gonna be doing that. I'm gonna live up like hashtag like looking like my area. And just like, see if I can find like one cute person because I'm telling like, whenever I know we're going on a different tangent now. But everyone's like, why are dating up so terrible? And like, usually I totally disagree. But recently on my dating apps, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, everyone sucks. There's literally I can go I've probably gone through like over 1000 profiles. And last week, I would say well over because I'm just like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So maybe I need to DM someone. But back to your question about attachment with like texting reminds me of perfect wording that one of my clients gave me about a year and a half ago, when we were talking about texting someone, she had said that it gives her a false sense of intimacy. And so when she is dating someone early on, she doesn't really like text that much. I love that. I love it. Love it, love it. I'm somebody who does like to text when I am dating somebody like I like that connection. But it's true that it does create this false sense of connection, especially if you are texting them throughout the day. Maybe you're talking on the phone sometimes or you're responding to each other on social media posts. But you haven't dated that much. It's going to feel like it's a lot more serious than it actually is. Because it would be like, yeah, we've only been on three dates, but like, we text all day, every day. Okay, that's, that's, that's nice. But it makes you feel like things are a lot deeper than they probably our

Cindy: 38:02

I. And yes, that is true, because it's just like I am. So I'm a pretty busy person. And I've now shifted like completely, like, If I like someone, I'm gonna meet them in person. If I like someone, I don't have to be 24/7 texting with them. I don't have to be on the phone, I don't like being on the phone, be like, Hey, how you doing? Let's FaceTime to three, I mean, two or three minutes out of the day, whatever. But with my schedule on how hectic it is, especially my travel schedule. I'm like, You know what this person is really interested in me, when I see them in person is more valuable than just creating that emotional texting relationship, because it's just like, you start seeing like, oh, my gosh, he likes me. And then you start reading into way too much into those text messages. And it's just like, does he like me? Do you think a Rihanna relationship is cc? And like, look, look, look, instead of overthinking all this and all that. I'd rather wait to see him in person.

Aly: 39:03

Yeah, I love that. I think that's a really smart way to do it. Because you don't want that premature attachment. Especially because you can barely get to know I mean, you can kind of get to know someone over text but like not really. Because you're not getting all of like the cues, the nonverbal cues, you're not getting like the intonation in their voice, you're not getting their facial expressions, you're not getting their body language. And so you can also kind of mess things up with texting. Because I know for myself, I have very sarcastic humor. And if you don't know me very well, my tests can sound really bitchy. I try I'm like, Oh, I have to hold back my personality a little bit or add some an extra message. Like just kidding. By the way, it's like going no another is about that. And that you can't get to know each other as much that way. You know, but if you like to talk is fine. Do that. But just don't mistake it for being something more serious than it's not I guess.

Cindy: 39:58

And another thing is there's so much misinterpretation with texting. Yes, so much. I mean, it's just like sometimes I try to text business or say something that like so are you just being a bitch? What? No, I was just being sarcastic. And they can't read that or just send them a video text message, you know, that's another thing Yeah, something better versus just texting because then then you can actually see their gestures. You know what their attitude is you need you can see their face you can hear the intonation of voice, and that there is a more truthful thing because when you start texting all Good morning, hello, hello. Don't waste my time. Honestly, technically, morning at better be like, give me good news. But if you're, you're coming to visit me that's that's a good morning text I want to know. But if you're just like, Oh, good morning, baby, and you're texting other five people? What are we talking about? How many people are you know?

Aly: 40:57

I get to a quality time is definitely one of your love languages.

Cindy: 41:00

Yeah, all the time.

Aly: 41:02

I love it. It reminds me Well, I thought of two different things. One, based on what you just said a few seconds ago about sending the video I've never actually shared this was the first time I'm sharing it. There was someone I was dating in the summer. And I I sent there's definitely texting miscommunication times a million, it was very problematic for us. He I could tell I sent this one text where I was essentially like, complaining about something. But I was doing it like I'm very conscious about my language like my clients. No, I'm very into like using my language and not attacking and like talking about my feelings and all that stuff. But I can tell when he didn't respond to me that it was misinterpreted as I was ending things with him. And I was so emotional. I was like on vacation too. And I Oh, God, it totally messed up my vacation. I was so sad. And then after a couple days, I reread the message. I was like, Oh my gosh, she thinks I broke up with him. And he wasn't like my boyfriend. But you know, when things are pretty serious, some of the things I wrote that wasn't. So I remember calling one of my guy friends inclined to him about it. I'm like, what happened? And he gave me a suggestion, like what you said, which is send him a video message. And I was like, he's like, you know how to do videos, YouTube videos all the time. I'm like, this is vulnerable. He's like, Yeah, but if you just send a text, he's not going to be able to see how much you really miss him. Let him see your face. Let him see your smile. Let him see you sad, let it let him see how much you miss him and like throw something in there. Maybe like, if you had, what did he say? Like, I don't know, a joke between the two of you or something like do whatever. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this is a scary shit I've ever done. But he did it. And I recorded maybe like a 32nd video, I don't remember what it was essentially just like, I missed you. I'm thinking of you. I threw in like a cue joke and whatever. Senate totally terrified, like, throw my phone onto the couch got distracted. And then my friends, he texted me back. And he said, Wow, this made me smile more than anything in the world. And he was like, I definitely did think that was a breakup text. And then we kept dating from that he ended up talking it up like a month later, because he had anger problems. But like I that video message taught me so much, which is you really can't. Like that wasn't the complaint I gave him over text should not have been a text, I learned that very quickly. That should have been 100% of conversation over at least FaceTime, since he was long distance at that time. But then also, if you do mess up, send a video message if you can, or at the minimum of voice message where they can at least hear your voice and miss you and hear the sadness or something. Because it texts can't do that.

Cindy: 43:36

And yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. So I use video, I try to use video for everything conversations, versus text message. I mean, text messages. I mean, I do I mean with my girlfriends and all that. But most likely when I'm on Facebook, messenger Instagram, then I try to do as much video just because they can see my reaction. And you never know what what that person is going through. It's just like that would make their day. I mean, while you're arguing and that mean arguing and that or No, I mean, I don't know, if you want that recorded, like keep in mind that there's still remember when you were angry, and this is how you acted. And this is what you were saying. And this and this is I would just keep that one to a conversation, a voice message. But if you are like silly, and you just want to make their day brighter, or you're going through a situation or whatever it is, you want to let them know their emotions.

Aly: 44:30

Yeah. I totally agree. I think it's so important to be able to express all those different parts of it, because that's, that's what language really is, at the end of the day is a combination of more than just the actual message you're sending like, I was working with a couple just yesterday. And the husband was I remember what they're arguing about there about something. And he was saying what she wanted to hear, but it obviously wasn't in the way and I had to remind him that your message is only a very small part of how something's interpreted. It's your tone of voice. It's the eye rolls. It's the nodding the head. It's the closing off. It's all of those things. So if you're doing all that the person on the other end is just going to feel attacked. And they're going to focus on defending themselves not actually listening to you. So if you actually want to be heard by your partner in an argument, pay attention to how the message is being relayed, rather than the actual, the content of the message is important to but not nearly as important as everything else

Cindy: 45:38

is to communication in that's what people lack nowadays, communication, they're afraid of expressing their feelings, they're afraid of being like, Judge, they're afraid of oh, what are they going to say they're gonna like me or anything. Look, if you have an upfront conversation with people, then that's going to change everything that's going to make you not vulnerable. I mean, yeah, I mean, their situations are gonna make you vulnerable, but that's going to help them understand you in a better level. And you can actually understand them, and you know, what, whatever and connect, because you want a connection? If there's not a good communication, then how is the condition going to happen?

Aly: 46:15

Yeah, and I think it's good to have our units in the beginning. I mean, not like the first month or whatever. But you want to see how do they handle argument? How did they treat me? Do they recover after? Do they have good conflict resolution skills? Or do they run away? Are they treating me? Okay? Are they still respecting me? Are they still kind? Or do they become a different person, you know, you can try to run away from those hard conversations. But in the long run, you're doing yourself a disservice. So like, for me, a lot, actually, I would say most of my situation chips I hate even using that word. But like those things that like, didn't work out, a lot of them came down to our first like argument or first, like, heavy discussion. And people like couldn't handle it, whether they turned into an asshole, or they completely shut down. Or they got freaked out and like, oh, my gosh, I can handle commitment. They often did come from having a first argument, like, I guess our arguments on the second date, or, let's clear people out, I'm just getting this way. There's way too ridiculous. But the point still stands, like, have some kind of discussion when need be or an argument. But don't, don't run away from them. It's not gonna help you in the long run.

Cindy: 47:32

No, and then if you feel yourself that you can't, you're walking around eggshells, or on eggshells with that person, then that's telling you something. That too, because if you're staying because I mean, this becomes a toxic relationship. If you cannot be yourself, then you don't know yourself forth. You know, and that's what's going on. I mean, it's just like the same thing. Like you don't see yourself with that person walk away. Why are we saying that relationship? Why can you understand yourself worth? Why can you understand your confidence? You're beautiful, you're amazing. You want? You know what you can conquer the world if you want to. But why stay in that relationship?

Aly: 48:10

Yeah, I think it's often because people don't realize that they deserve better, we can have better, you know, when you are just looking at the person in front of you as if that's as good as it's going to get, then obviously, you're going to commit yourself to make it work. And people fall for potential like, oh, they could be this person one day, they could change their if they're not that person today Don't count on it.

Cindy: 48:33

No, because I mean, they're not going to change it, you think they're going to change? Good luck with that? Because nobody changes because I mean, you can't change a zebra zebra stripes. Right? You know, I can't remember what the saying is, is cheetah stretch yourself or cheat?

Aly: 48:49

I know what it's mean.

Cindy: 48:51

You guys understand what I'm trying to say, okay.

Aly: 48:53

You can't change a person. And somebody might accept them exactly as they are, instead of you thinking that they're, there's something wrong with them, and maybe one day will change. Okay, but also what if somebody would accept them as they are? And even if you don't think it's great, even if you don't like parts of them, somebody else might be okay with that. And you got to free that person up to find somebody who is okay with them as they are.

Cindy: 49:18

You let that do like that baggage to be someone else's baggage. Okay.

Aly: 49:21

Yeah, exactly. Don't figure it out.

Cindy: 49:24

Don't figure it out. You won't have a problem with that at all. And remember this there's always somewhere out there for you. And even though you can't see it now because I mean believe me was a breakout what is divorces? What is separating for someone? It is hard because you cannot have that moment. You're like, oh my gosh, I've been with this person for so long. But is there someone out there who's gonna love me? There's gonna be someone special is gonna love you and not say a special. I'm a specialist. Like special. I'm saying there's somebody's gonna be like, You know what, I love this person. I love you. And they'll do anything for you. they'll surprise you. They'll go the extra mile. They'll go above and beyond and you're going to be like, Wow, this was really worth it.

Aly: 50:06

100%

Cindy: 50:08

All right. So, Ali, thank you for coming to my podcast. And thank you for everything and hopefully I will have you back soon.

Aly: 50:16

Of course. That was awesome

Cindy: 50:18

thank you Ali