Episode 56 - "Special Edition" Welcome To The Peasant Party

We talk to Welcometothepeasantparty What are the Red, Green & Beige Flags in Dating? 
Insecurities in men and how to approach them. 

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Transcript

Cindy: 0:17

Welcome to Dear daddy's boyfriend, bitches dating and everything in between with Nicole. And today we have a special guest, call Charlotte and she welcome to the peasant party.

Charlotte: 0:30

That's me, a giant party of peasants.

Cindy: 0:34

So, Charlotte, we have so many questions about you. Why did I mean like, okay, so if you guys haven't checked her out, you guys have to check her out on tick tock Instagram. She is amazing. But I'm so curious about how did you get into like all the graphics, because believe me the PowerPoints that you have, they're amazing, but they're time consuming.

Charlotte: 0:54

They there they take a little bit of time to make for sure. Yeah, how it all started. Probably three, four months ago, the close friend of mine, we gotten this like, I think it was an argument over the brunch table of what they like talking quote unquote, talking stages. I'm a firm believer that once you've been on a date, and you're continuing to go on dates, you're dating and I don't think that means boyfriend girlfriend. Some people call that talking until up and they think dating is a synonym for boyfriend and girlfriend. And the reverse using the term dating like my friend was and I drew up a graph I did that one in a notebook and I basically just like a normal sane person would instead of just saying like agree to disagree, I made a video of it, put it on tick tock and said, you know, hey, like I've declared war against the term talking stage, if you've gotten a date on a date you're dating, and I'll die on that hill and it doesn't boyfriend girlfriend, and it got a huge a very, very big following a lot of likes on that video. And I realized I felt like oh my gosh, maybe I have a niche here. So I'd been on Tik Tok for a while more like lurking I'm in digital marketing so it's a platform where you know everything is lost platform you can really go viral and I've been having a lot of fun with it just from a more like lurking content standpoint. And I thought like oh maybe I've got a niche here I also always had just fascination with different types of dating content. I always had some form of interest in it but you know just I never liked that was just like you know which which gender has it harder which gender is worse that you see so much in dating content as well as just like arbitrary rules kind of thing? I think a lot is like somewhere in the middle which is kind of what's that talking stage timeline or when all those like scales in spectrum the show is a lot of us are just somewhere in the middle and yeah, that was kind of that's gonna help things started and yeah, I've had that had that niche I also thought it was a really fun way to talk about dating without necessarily talking about like my personal life I think one thing I was averse to was just like I don't want to talk about you know my own personal dating life on Tik Tok like you hear the stories like The like West Elm Caleb type stories like up in New York and I was like I you know, I don't want to be that person. My dating life isn't that exciting? I believe like a good dating life is boring on paper in a way so it was kind of a Phoenician I think it just it was positive. It's gender neutral shows that everyone's kind of somewhere in the middle and kind of goes away from that like arbitrary rules and says like, Oh, hey, like, here's kind of like all these different ways you can use it. Especially just there's so much buzzwords in dating right now like everyone's got a different definition of the term casual for example, some people have a one night stand some people it's a Situ every you do everything but call yourself boyfriend girlfriend. So that was kind of another thing where some people get tripped up on buzzwords. Yeah, and then just living in Austin major city. So you just see so many people like the dating experiences is so just different for everyone. Everyone's looking for something different. And you know, people Yeah, people joke about like, the guys are like the Peter Pan and stuff or just how many people there are here. Everyone's a transplant feels kind of disposable. So yeah, I think all of that kind of combined. Create a little bit of a fun niche. The username Welcome to the peasant party. I think it's too late for me to change it. It was just something fun. I called my account. Yeah, I had a I had an ex boyfriend who referred to me liking to get like a good deal, as you know, being a peasant quote unquote, ironically. And then that's kind of been my username ever since. So having a peasant party with with all these like charts, diagrams and other things.

Cindy: 4:27

Be like, here we go. It is so interesting, because the one I mean, you have like I've been looking at your content for a while. Like, ooh, so the one that got me was like the cuffing season. I really liked that one. I really liked the the one nightstand one. I liked the one oh my gosh, there was like one about like this. I think I saw that situation ship and all that. And I'm like, because when do we actually get into a relationship? That's the thing. Nobody wants to be like, Oh, no, I need space or I mean what does it really like?

Nicole: 5:03

I know for for us, like Cindy and I, I think we typically stick to like the the 90 day. I mean, obviously it's very loose. It's not set in stone at any point But do you also abide by the same kind of like 90 day rule rule, I guess,

Charlotte: 5:19

I think I think I've always been more like intentional from the start just at least as I've gotten older, where it's just like, you know, I make it known that I'm looking for a relationship. And this is an audition to be my boyfriend versus like, oh, you know, we're just seeing where this goes. I'm a big fan of, I think like six weeks to two months, you kind of know. And I'd say that just as like an average person who works nine to five, who's usually dated other people who work nine to five, like maybe a handful of trips in between. But, um, yeah, I always think you kind of know by then. And then it's, you know, kind of having almost like little checkpoints in between. I've always thought it was fun. It was like a little thing you can do where you just almost like count the dates. It's like, okay, we're on date by where it shows like, I'm counting, this is going somewhere. And also, and I posted like a video on this today, where it's, you know, someone's showing the signs of, you know, looking for something more casual, you want a relationship. You're being unattractive that versus like, oh, yeah, you know, like, what's going on with you? Like, why are you unavailable? So you're leaving out those people quickly. And then just going to the belief to like, to gain people, you have to be willing to lose people. So those thoughts of like, am I gonna scare him away? Because I'm too much. Like, mean, you. So what if you do? I don't know. Like, I think most people are normal, sane people and like the things they think will scare people off or just more things like, oh, you know, the person wasn't on the same page.

Cindy: 6:38

I believe that sometimes it's better just to scare those away because that that's going to help you not have like, go through heartbreaks or headaches or like, okay, so what are the red flags? Or did I miss out on that? Or, you know, did I really like that, or no, not really. Oh, like, you know what, I got saved, completely saved.

Nicole: 7:00

Agreed. Oh, yeah. There's a lot. I mean, there's a ton of red flags. And we we could do a whole episode on just red flags. But so I wanted to actually bring up with you guys. I heard something earlier today. So obviously, we have green flags, things that we accept in a relationship. But then we have red flags, which obviously everyone knows, like, stay the fuck away. But I heard something new today called beige flags. Have you heard that before?

Charlotte: 7:28

Yeah, I've heard that term. It was it was a tick tock term.

Nicole: 7:32

Yes. So I've got a little bluf here it says, according to tick tock, there is now another color of flag to look out for which is beige. Beige flags are a sign on dating app profiles that the person behind the profile is probably fucking boring. It says it says indications that people might be boring are not new, but we now have a catchy name for them so So Charlotte like would you agree with do you think beige flags is a thing? Is it gonna catch on anything?

Charlotte: 8:03

I don't know. I think the second we start keeping score and the second you start really finding yourself keeping score is probably a sign you don't like this person. You're looking at a check some boxes. Yeah. I think we've got a lot of flags already. And I think yeah, I mean, I could see catching on just cuz every buzzword catches on everyone's looking for to coin the new buzzword. But I think usually when it's like instead of thinking baseball, it was just kind of like I wasn't excited. Yeah. But they look good on paper. Yeah. I think my father

Cindy: 8:36

that happens more often than we want it.

Charlotte: 8:39

True.

Nicole: 8:40

So I know for for me and Cindy like both of us wouldn't when we're dating we normally will get on the phone and talk to them for a while or or we'll do a FaceTime before we actually take the time out of our day to actually go do that. But is that something that you do also or would you be a proponent of

Charlotte: 8:57

so I think it really depends because I think it depends it depends where you live what your situation is and the type of people you're seeing I was always one that was for a short like I joke of like the talking stage where it's you know before an actual date taking place just being like an Austin where a lot of people are close to bars restaurants at any given time. And if you're dating someone that's kind of in the same situation I was always one for like a very short talking stage like almost like the same weekly good, you know, start matching talking to people on apps on Sunday and have a date set up by Thursday because I think a lot can happen in a weekend like I think you can lose interest momentum excitement, but it also just depends on your situation. Like I'm thinking of you people that are living in a big city surrounded by bars, restaurants, you know, sink like don't have any don't have any children. You live in a Yeah, like live in the center of the city looking to date other people in the middle of the city. I think your situation could be so much different if you lived in a more rural area where that like that first date that check to a percent you want to make sure like there's no loss there. Or you know, maybe if you get a babysitter like that, I could see that that kind of talking phase going longer. Maybe you travel a lot. I think it really just depends on the person. But I think like to like local people who live in like City Center is going to look a lot different from someone that might have to you make more of an I spent the first date.

Nicole: 10:18

Yeah, that makes sense. Do you have any red flags that maybe you're not like the normal that you kind of look out for when you're dating? I'm trying to

Charlotte: 10:27

think. I think, oh, goodness, I guess it'll take me back against I don't like motorcycles. I don't want to ride a motorcycle. I mean, like, I can respect it as an interest. But that is always one where it's like, I don't want to ride on the back of a motorcycle again. So it's also some time to explain to my mom, so it's one of those where if I would see like a motorcycle on a dating app picture, I'm like, okay, cool. Like, if this goes anywhere, I'm gonna have to have a conversation about how I feel about motorcycles. Yeah, I've had I've had some exes who really liked motorcycles. So I think that and then kind of, I think maybe some that piggybacks off of that is just too, like too risky of behavior. And you see that quickly. Maybe just as Austin's like a big drinking city, but just, you know, like a fun drinker. And then unsafe drinker. And you pick up on that pretty quickly. Yeah, so that's, that's always something I always look out for.

Nicole: 11:20

Yeah, Cindy, I can see. I know that you're super adventurous. So I wonder is

Cindy: 11:26

our red flag Oh, darn it. So I don't have so I know the so the dear baddies, Instagram. I don't, I don't I have my own Instagram, but it's just like, it's private. And I have another one that is like for my real estate. But if you look on my Facebook, I know you're not on Facebook. That's fine. But I fly planes, I jump out of planes. I do. ziplining you know, I'm very, very adventurous. I'm very high driven. Like, I have extremely high energy. You know, it's just like, I mean, it's not a

Charlotte: 12:02

kind of you can ask the motor if I if I need a nice motorcycle. I'll send them I'll send them your way. It's I think it's one of those preferences things for me where it's like, it's some for some people, it's adrenaline. For me, it's like, I don't want to die. But that's just a me thing. Um, yeah, maybe I've just had too many. Just, maybe it was a specific type of guy I was dating but a motorcycle. We shouldn't have had one. But yeah,

Nicole: 12:24

I'm the same way. And like, there's a lot of I mean, I guess if you think about it, like there's a lot of risk involved with riding a motorcycle. So I had a boyfriend. I think I was 19. And he raced for a company professionally and ended up in a coma because of a motorcycle. So like, I think everyone's reason for it is different minus because I don't want to deal with having to visit a hospital every day for a few months. But, I mean, it does come with a lot of risk, you know, but I mean, Cindy, if that's something that you're interested in,

Cindy: 12:56

so, so I never talked about, like my first boyfriend, my first boyfriend. It's funny, because he wanted a motorcycle. My grandpa was like, no, no, no, this is like when I was like, my first boyfriend was like when I was 19 years old. And while it was long time, and my grandpa was like, No, you shouldn't get a motorcycle. He's like, Okay, so my grandfather, he bought the motorcycle, he saved his money. He bought a motorcycle. And he drove my grandfather drove it to his house. Once he was in his house, he drove the motorcycle and he had an accident. So yeah, that was that's where the but he still rides motorcycles nowadays.

Nicole: 13:34

I mean, to each their own, I mean, if that's something that you enjoy, go for it. But I, Charlotte, I understand what you mean about you know, the risk involved for sure. Because that does it kind of I mean, if you if you think about it, it does kind of rely into different areas of your life. Especially with like, I don't know how old you are. But like for me, like I'm 35 like I want someone that's like, you know, maybe a little bit of a planner so but so just kind of switching gears I know you talked a lot about like one of your tic TOCs is about a situation ship. So when in your opinion if you're dating someone you like them, when is it alright to have that like exclusive kind of conversation?

Charlotte: 14:17

I think and I think if you also first look at it is like uh you know, how do you how do you feel because so many people it's like because they like me do they like me and you should really think more do I like him? And I think the using the the eye terms of just you know, hey like I usually I like I said if it's you know to people who have you know been local, you're doing things pretty consistently for you know, six weeks or so that's that's usually my timeline because you also think of like have I learned all the information I've wanted to learn that would make this person you know, I would want to make this versus my significant other so it's something you have to think about too. If you feel like you've figured that out, you know, maybe figure it out pretty quickly. But just just conversation more of you know, hey, like I'm at the point where like I've learned I know what I need to know that you know, I feel something here I would like this to be a relationship like Are you with me or not? I'm versus you know, what are we if you say what are we people are just gonna I don't know, I'm having fun, like, good, like, just try to kick the tires down the road. And it also reveals how you feel I also firmly believe like I think every guy's fear is being called someone's boyfriend when they aren't expecting it. So the second they know, like, oh, this person wants to call me or their boyfriend, it lights a fire under their ass. Like maybe they'll say like, oh, like, I need some time to think on that. But it'll it inspires a shooter get caught, basically. So I think it really depends. I think, you know, think of yourself and what the information you want to know, and what you want to do in those, that kind of window of time, I think, once you've hit three months, you almost like gone too far, depending on you know, what the situation is, like, if you're big travelers, like some stuffs come up that happens. But things like, you know, what information do you want to know, before you would make this person your significant other and if they're averse to doing those things that you want, then they're probably not that right person, but things like, you know, breaking from the mold of like, first date, second date, third date, and you going to, you know, hey, like, my friends having a birthday party? Do you want to come with me? Or like I need a plus one is at this thing? Will you come with me and those kind of areas where you you're able to meet their friends, if you have like kind of that personal list of things that you want to know about a person and how they handle themselves in certain situations. When you figure that out? I think it's appropriate to have that conversation. And then those like little check ins in between, I think, kind of escalating the types of dates. I always think like, being in those silos, especially it happens a lot with dating apps, when there's like no other additional ties to that person where it's like, yeah, first date, second date, third, date, sex. It's all in a silo, you're breaking free from that mold, like, Oh, hey, come meet my friends are Oh, like, Can I meet your friends? Like those types of things to really get a feel for if that's the right person for you. But I think you may also just make it known from the start, like, this is an audition for a boyfriend. This isn't Oh, you know, we're just gonna kick things off and have fun. I mean, if you've got, that's what you're looking for. That's a totally different story. But if you're going into things like looking for a relationship, I think make it known. And if you lose that person along the way, cool.

Cindy: 17:13

wasn't, it wasn't meant to be?

Nicole: 17:16

Well, one thing that we are asking everybody that comes on the show is, obviously we're all privy to dating apps. So what are your top three?

Charlotte: 17:26

Apps? I'm on nine. Um, so I always like hinge for awhile. I and so I think maybe it was just because of Austin. So I was, I think I use Bumble for like a day. And there's just there's too many tourists. It was just it was all bachelor parties looking for girls to invite back like Tinder was just as new to I guess from like, my experience standpoint, I remember when Tinder came out when I was in college, I use that and it was really just people that you saw around you. You could see all your Facebook friends on it. It was almost like the people that you could see from across the hall that you didn't really have an excuse to talk to you. You could finally talk to them. Yeah, I think I met like a pretty short term boyfriend like the end of college on Tinder. And then, yeah, out of college, I think it was Tinder and Bumble came out where it was the girls message first. I liked that more. And then when I was Yeah, so I'm 29 now and this was in Santa Barbara, which is where I moved to what after I graduated college, was on Bumble for a little bit and then was in a long term relationship from the ages of like 23 to 25. Until I moved to Austin moved to Austin jumped into another relationship very quickly. Both of those were coworkers, same company, probably not the smartest thing to do. But I was I was younger, and then hadn't used apps in between. And then when I got out of that relationship, it was kind of like what do I do here? It was, you've got on Bumble, realize it was all bachelor parties, ditch it and then tried hinge for the first time basically. So that was what I was on for a while. And then I got off of it just because it was I didn't like the way people talk to talk to me on it. It just wasn't something I felt like I needed. But I've probably been off of it for Yeah, like six months or so probably I've been I've seen other people's like, in stuff I've seen like on Tiktok. As far as like the features that have been added, like I know now you can put like what you're looking for on it. I know you can do like the voice prompts. But yeah.

Nicole: 19:19

And I joined this one new dating app. The I have not been on this one, but it's called the league. Oh,

Charlotte: 19:27

I got banned from that one somehow. Very, it's very, like, I don't want to say it's like very pay to play, but I think they're very swift, the banhammer. So this was actually between the two boyfriends that I worked with. I think there was probably a one month lag and I went to lunch with a friend Oh, you had to download the league. It's new. So I download it and forgot about it. I because we don't turn the notifications on. There's so many of them. So I forgot about it got into a new relationship. And then I don't I don't know if I ever deleted the account or anything like that. But I just I forgot about it. Like, I don't think I even really used it and then got out of that relationship and then was trying to download apps again and then went on to the league. It's like you're banned for being flaky. You can join back up if you want to pay like 12 bucks a month for that. So it was like, oh, you know, I don't

Cindy: 20:18

12 a month this is the league is $400 a month. So you pay you pay for that? Do you have to? Do you have a choice? Or no? I mean, you don't have I mean, you can pay if you wanted to. But I mean, let's say for instance, what I showed you yesterday is like, what I like about it is like, are you interested in? Are you open to a prenup or not? Are you because I pay for the subscription. And it's just like, I'm like, I actually like this, because it's actually reminding me of a matchmaker. But it's just like, the same guy. I feel like there's more quality of men there are versus

Nicole: 20:54

professional professionals as compared to like, Tinder that, you know, they're bartenders. And I mean, not not to knock a bartender at all, but

Cindy: 21:02

so it would be most likely like, quality men, professional men, there's a guy that I've actually matched with him like probably like 10 times. And but we're Instagram friends. And he's a he's a Delta pilot. And but it's like I keep like I keep on seeing, but it's just like doctors, lawyers, pilots. You don't see the same thing over and over. But some women have said that they're the same guys. And yes, some of them are because you're professionals. But now, I'm trying to meet more people organically versus in app wise, or app world.

Nicole: 21:40

So Charlotte, are you? And I mean, there is no right answer to this. But like, are you? Are you looking for a relationship? Or?

Charlotte: 21:50

I? Absolutely. Yeah, I've got some sort of thing go and it's a little bit that's a little bit too early to to call it anything. But yeah, absolutely. And I think I probably would say that I have, you know, could confidently say I was like looking for relationship probably like the last like year or two. I don't think I haven't had any, like situations shipping hookups. Like I've had some, you know, one two months that never took off, for one reason or another. But no, nothing. I think aside from some of the experiences I've shared on the podcast with Elon, where it was just the dude was crazy. History is nothing, I think was bad, per se, just more of like, Oh, it wasn't a match, like, not compatible long term. And yeah, like, I think I'm always upfront about that. I think there's definitely you know, I'll go on first dates that don't materialize because of that, because, you know, maybe someone's like, oh, you know, I was hoping this was going to be more like, quote, unquote, fun, versus like, Oh, she wants to get something more serious. But like to gain people, you have to be willing to lose people.

Nicole: 22:49

It feels like an ascending. I think you'd agree with this, too. But every single podcast that we've had every person that we've talked to you the bottom line is communication. You know, it's, it's you got to set expectations, you've got to tell them exactly what you are looking for what you don't want, and you know, things that you find a red flag, but I mean, every single thing that we've talked about every episode, bottom line is communication.

Cindy: 23:15

No, I totally agree with that completely. Because it's just like, I think you've told me this, Nicole, because I send I send Nicole my conversations at times, especially when I'm

Nicole: 23:26

healthier. It's like you're giving advice when you're not the one in it, you know?

Cindy: 23:33

So for me, it's just like, I feel like I sometimes become too aggressive. But I'm also like that alpha female take over, like, Don't worry, I'll handle it, you know, and it's just like, Well, I mean, if this is not what you want, then you know what Sia, peace out. But my thing is, I have to be blunt, I have to be upfront because I'm not going to waste my time. My time is precious.

Nicole: 23:57

Yeah, recently, like the, please do not be upset with me for saying this. But the most recent one that you sent me, I noticed that he shut down the conversation when you got a little too aggressive member? I don't know. I'm sure you remember. But where you said, Geez, desperate or desperation. I think that's when it kind of likes and this is just me just reading from a third party perspective. But I think that's kind of when he was just like, I think I'm I think I'm okay.

Cindy: 24:31

Yeah, and I'm like, You know what, the right person is gonna stick around. I don't have to be like, and I bet Charlie agrees with me too. Because even though no matter how, if a person is really interested in you, they're going to be interested in you, regardless of you know, if you're scary, you're not I mean, you're blind or you try to scare them away. They're gonna stick around because they really are interested in you. Yeah,

Charlotte: 24:52

exactly. I think if they're, it's also just like a compatibility thing. Like some people, like a woman who's loud, maybe they eats either keeps up the energy they have or it balances them out. If they're more of an introvert. Some people like more of an introvert and I think it's a compatibility thing. I think being the best version of yourself is the best way to go about go about your life and, you know, everything else follows from there. It's hard enough To be the best version of anything, might as well just be yourself. And always just continue to be striving for better. Like, I don't think there's a, you know, the more you try to be like the All American, you know, every man that everyone should like, you're going to lose the right people along the way. Like, I think if you that's why in dating, it's like everyone could just write like, you know, I love dogs in the office and you'll get a million matches but you know, are those matches going to be the right people for you? Like I think women it's we're always like, bombarded by just you know, this excessive quantity. But what about quality? So it's like, sometimes those statements that make you lose people or could be someone else's deal breakers, that it's good to make those like for example, I've got a right here. I've got a cat people are allergic to cats. And that maybe makes people would make people swipe left on me because they got allergies. They don't like cats. I would rather lose them right away.

Nicole: 26:11

Saying I have a cat. And I can't deal with people that don't like cat.

Cindy: 26:17

Cat, but I'll put up with it. I'll take a Benadryl

Nicole: 26:20

now. My mom is allergic. She's got four. So I'm like, like, you've probably got to be like on a shit ton of clarity. So we asked Owen, the same question, but I'm curious to know your answer from a female perspective. But would you ever date long distance?

Charlotte: 26:39

Yeah, absolutely. I think there's got to be like a goal in mind, or just some sort of system in place, as far as you know, when you both see each other? Like, what's the what's the goal here? The thing just kind of aimlessly long distances, how people can get in trouble. I think it's also you get and I talked about this in my other videos, it's like boyfriend girlfriend experience where it's like, you got a boyfriend or girlfriend for a weekend. And then they go back to their life. And you don't have that communication in between. And that's more of a casual situation that it is like a long distance relationship. I think yeah, I think you just have to, you have to have a goal in mind as a whole, like, you know, what, how does this end? When does this end? Like, what's the plan here? But it can work? I mean, yeah, people do people do them all the time. But if you've got to have like, the right communication and the right plan in place,

Cindy: 27:28

I usually, well, I've been in long distance relationships. And I honestly, like Nicole's, like, you gotta get someone in, like local. But like, I went to Melbourne, like, was it two or three weeks ago, I met this guy, and I really liked them. Right? I mean, he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, like, Okay, I mean, it's, it's a flight away, but that's okay. I mean, it's like an hour and a half an hour, 30 minutes, but that's fine. So now I'm talking to someone in San Diego. And I'm like, we're like, Okay, let's see. I mean, I'm just like, look, and I've been blunt with him, like, you know, if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't matter to me. You're over there. I'm over here. I have I have to work. You have to same thing too. And I don't want no more kids, honestly.

Nicole: 28:14

I mean, dating. In my opinion, it's all trial and error. You know, every person that you date is going to teach you something good or bad. So the next person that you interact with or attempt to date is going to, you know, hopefully, you'll be able to surpass those red flags. Okay,

Cindy: 28:31

so go ahead. I don't know did Nicole tell you on how the the podcast was born?

Charlotte: 28:40

I kind of got the rough the rough story. Is there a story of how it how it all materialized? I would love to hear it.

Cindy: 28:48

So basically, there's this guy had been talking for almost five months. He's like, hey, you know what, we'll were explosive and all and one day I'm like, Nicole, I need I've been wanting to post this but I don't I don't know if I should. And I found out he had a girlfriend in a different in like South Atlanta, and I'm in North Atlanta and I'm like, no freakin way. And I was like, You know what, I'm just gonna go ahead I don't want this to happen to same people again over again. I want to I want to help other people be the because of this because so many people go through the same thing and it's just like, You know what, let's just do a podcast

Charlotte: 29:30

ya know? No, I was actually I have yet to come across like that experience. Like I always do like the back check to like, make sure that this person is single. And I have yet to come across an experience or someone who had another relationship had another like at least a committed relationship from what I could tell that was publicly out there. I'm sure there's been plenty people that are you maybe there's something I didn't know about? Or you they had a pseudo like an almost on the way there type relationship but damn, like that's a that's like one of my fears is just that feeling of just like you feel so like, I don't know, you feel something like I don't know. Like, what are you dealing with?

Cindy: 30:10

I was like, wow, but I mean, he doesn't have he has two Facebook accounts. And a gold Yeah. And I was like, wow, I mean, is this guy an idiot? Oh, and he also listens to the podcast too.

Nicole: 30:23

Yeah. So if you're if you're listening, making bacon, we're talking about you. But you know what that happens so much more often than it should like the entire reason I told you earlier about how Cindy and I met and the Facebook group that I run that was started because I was dating one guy, not realizing that he was dating three other girls at the same time. So when I broke up with him, I found you know, the other three girls just honestly, by chance, connected with them. And we're like, alright, we got to put this guy on blast. We have to expose him. And his dating life in Atlanta, is almost non existent.

Charlotte: 31:08

Oh my god. It's like that John Tucker must die movie.

Cindy: 31:11

Exactly. Exactly.

Charlotte: 31:15

Right. High School.

Nicole: 31:17

Yeah. I love that. So I mean, we initially were like, we were so pissed off, you know, we were we don't want to hurt him. So physically, or anything like that. But we just wanted to, I guess wanted him to just feel the way that we felt. I don't know if he ever will, because narcissism resonates very deep. But But yeah, that was it hurt a lot in her life. So oh, it's imagine I would never want anyone to go through the same pain, which, you know, that's part of the reason why we have this podcast is because we want to appeal to men and women both because we're both going through the same shit. And I guess if we can help one person at the end of the day, we've done our job.

Charlotte: 32:00

Definitely. No, could totally agree with that. So that's so unfortunate. Oh, I would hate for that to happen. Yeah.

Cindy: 32:06

I mean, and especially like, with your charts and all that. I mean, it. I mean, I love the content, because it does make it it makes sense. I mean, it's just like, wow, you know, what, what can I do? Or how can I? Okay, so let's look at the what are what are the flags that you're not seeing? Or what are the things that you're not seeing that they're there? But you're like, Hey, look at it, look at it, look at it. And you're like, no way is it or no?

Charlotte: 32:35

Exactly know that. And I think that's that's kind of part of it, where it's like, hey, like, you know, there's this other thing you could you could look at I also just I'm really big on owning your own feelings and you owning how you feel because so many people it's like, I feel like I have so many women date is just, they go off the base of just like, does he like me? It seems like he likes me. Does he like me? What does he think of this situation? Versus? Do I even like him? If so many women, it's like, they'll go on the date. And if they didn't absolutely hate it. You know, if the guy says like, hey, let's do another date. It's like, oh, you know, like, bird in the hand two in the bush, I got one, like, let's keep going on this date. And then you go down the road, that guy eventually just goes to to kind of mean like him that much. And I think a big thing is just owning your feelings and knowing how you feel. And that's like a big theme I have with everything I put together. It's just like, forget how they feel like how do you feel? And you know, what are those feelings? And does that person know your feelings? And you're communicating that versus saying like, what are we or where are we going? where's this going? Calling it nuts? Like using if statements? That's a big thing for me. Yeah, so that's, that's really just a general overall theme.

Cindy: 33:38

There's a slide that you use is when are we calling? What are we doing this weekend? Or where are we going? You know, versus Oh, I am doing this? No, you are doing that. So when are we starting to use that we are we serious? Or

Charlotte: 33:52

I think that's that's the sign? I always say that's zero? Because it's like what what is what constitutes a serious relationship? Because someone's some people will say like, I'm not looking for anything serious. But it's like is a committed relationship automatically a serious relationship you have that conversation of? Are we boyfriend, girlfriend? Is this a relationship, you automatically call yourself a serious relationship. And the thing that made the most sense is when i becomes weak, because I always say like, as you're dating, it seems like less of us. You're not a we. But I think that's when you really know you're in a serious relationship is, you know, the weekends coming up, you know, what are we doing this weekend? You know, are we going to that barbecue? Versus what are you doing this weekend? I have this thing I would like you to join me. And I think that's where it's, you know, the dynamic when it goes from idly is where you kind of go from that either committed relationship to serious, or you kind of you know, when you it's your more serious situation.

Nicole: 34:47

I'm curious to know, throughout your time of being on TikTok, what's the biggest I guess takeaway that you've learned for your own dating life?

Charlotte: 34:56

Oh, my goodness. I've really I thought it was it's been really kind of fascinating to see like the guest quote, unquote, I hate thinking of him as sides but just the other side and just what's kind of going on with like the male mindset. Sometimes it's things that I wouldn't have even thought about and just the issues that maybe men might be going through you the insecurities they're, you know why they might do certain things. You're just the thought of, you know, I think when women don't necessarily know like how few matches men get. Yeah, like we're, you know, we had so many each day and then it's like, oh, well, like, Oh, no wonder that guy's getting so upset that you didn't respond to that message or like pieces matches such as NGL. Like, that kind of thing is learning that information has been helpful.

Cindy: 35:38

That's really interesting. Because I mean, we never talk about the men's insecurities. It's always, like, all he just ghosted me or he doesn't reply, or why is he always been like this? Why is he being so communicative? So? I have never thought about like a man's insecurity. I mean, how can we actually point out those insecurities? Or is it because I'm not so sure. Because that's, that's something new for me.

Nicole: 36:05

I don't think that we are entitled to point out any insecurities for them. I think it's definitely something that they have to figure out on their own. But I think for us to be aware enough to recognize what their insecurities are, you know, maybe, and again, is this all comes back to communication, you know, so, for example, like my boyfriend, I know, he, I'm sure he's got some sort of insecurities at some point or another. But we talked about everything. I mean, obviously, no relationship is perfect. But I think the fact that we're able to communicate, and this goes for anybody, you know, if you have a conversation, you should be able to work through those issues. I don't think it's our place that really point those out, though.

Cindy: 36:47

My thing is, is I understand the communication and all that, but okay, man, for the ones that are listening to this, and women, stop playing fucking games, what you really want, because you haven't know if you think it's gonna scare them, it's gonna be, it's gonna be fine. Because you know what, there's gonna be something better for you out there. And there's plenty of men and women in the sea. That person was not right for you. And if you're scared, and you're in the wrong relationship, if you scared if you're scared of saying something, then you're, I mean, where's that going to go? Because down the line, we like, the heartache is going to be much more bad or terrible.

Nicole: 37:28

More than likely, it is yeah. I think it's hard for people though, to I know, for myself, it's a maturity thing. You know, I wasn't I, when I was married, I was married pretty much all throughout my 20s. Like, we got married when I was 22. So it was hard for me to really voice how I felt about certain things because I hadn't developed those skills, or, and I hadn't really matured, I think I think it took a lot of heartache and, and bullshit, really, for me to go through to really, you know, be able to process those things in voice how I feel. And I'm at the age now. And the point in my maturity level now where I'm like, you can fuck right off. You know what I mean? So, I don't know, Charlotte, what's your take on that?

Charlotte: 38:15

Yeah, I think just the communication. I think, also, I think a lot of us, I think a big issue that we just continue to see is, I think most people are good people who want to do the right thing and think they're doing the right thing. They're just acting in their own best interests. And that doesn't always align with you know, what you might want. I always like to think and I've talked about it on tick tock, where I think like, the idea of like, you know, a true fuck boy, where they're actually trying to, like, manipulate you, I think that's more rare than people think it is. I think most guys, it's like, they, you know, want to they think maybe go into things thinking they want a relationship and change their mind after the fact. Or, you know, they assume that you're okay with whatever's going on. Because you haven't said otherwise. It's easy. Just assume the other person wants the same thing you want because they're doing it with you. And they seem to be having fun. And I think like it happens on the the female side as well. I think you're owning your feelings and what they are, knowing what they are owning them and communicating them. I think so many people are afraid to say the phrase relationship and in fear of scaring people off, I think other people are, you know, afraid to say, you know, find a nice way to say I'm only looking for something casual in fear of scaring somebody off. So I think it's, it's owning what you want. I also think getting away from buzzwords too, like, like I said about the term casual that can mean something different to everybody. So knowing what you want finding a way to communicate it in a way that's positive, I think there's a positive way to want a casual situation. There's no nothing wrong with that, as long as you're not lying to someone to get there and you're consenting to it. Yeah, I think we are ultimately owning what you want communicating it, asking it and walking away if the other person is on the same page.

Nicole: 39:57

I would have to agree with that.

Cindy: 39:59

I completely agree to with that. Just because I mean, okay, what do you really want? I mean from the beginning, and just be clear on what you want because that way, you will not waste your time.

Charlotte: 40:13

Exactly.

Nicole: 40:14

How often I know Cindy and I on previous podcasts, we We've talked a lot about, and there's a video that that Cindy actually posted on tic tac about, do men want to be approached? Like in public? You know, do you want us to come up to you and just say, Hi, how are you? Are you seeing someone? Do you want to go out? You know, something along those lines? Do you? Do you do that? Or are you like me? Or you're already you have that fear of rejection? And you just kind of leave it alone?

Charlotte: 40:45

So I think so I think it's a mix. So I think there's obviously things that are situational. I think, you know, if you see a guy in the bar, no wedding ring, you know, leaning against, I think there's also soft ways to approach treat, like if you go up to someone at the bar, you say, Hey, what are you drinking, and they just look at you and go like, gin and tonic and turn back to their friends. So soft rejection, if they you know, they're interested, they're going to take the bait like if the gin and tonic Hey, what is that an Espresso Martini, all of a sudden, you got a conversation going? I think those like bar social settings, it's always appropriate. I mean, obviously, look out for girlfriends wedding rings, you know, take no for an answer. I think it's totally, it's totally fine, I think. Yeah, I also think like, I think most women should try it once just because of you know how look, men will approach women and just know what it feels like to approach someone and be rejected. Just I think it's for everyone to be able to do that and have that experience. I do think though, like, I think you men aren't used to it, where they might be caught off guard. So you know, what might feel like, you know, confusion. They, they might be Yeah, they might be confused. I also think another thing that can come with, like, the male mindset too, is knowing Beat Making sure you ask for what you want. Because I think there's a lot of guys where, you know, they'll say like, oh, like, they're just excited to have a woman who's interested in them just after all this time of like, you know, just go ask her out, ask her out, you know, I feel like guys don't always like to, like reject people, they like to have options, you know, hanging out in the woodwork. Like, oh, this girl is interested in me. You know, they might say like, they might I don't want to say to take his take advantage is the wrong word. I don't think it's malicious, but more of like, ooh, like, you know, like, she's, she's clearly interested in me, like, I can kind of steer the ship of like, you know, I could keep this casual. So I think like, if you're approaching a guy, as a woman, like making sure like, you're steering things in the direction of a date, if that's what you want, versus like a, you know, hey, you're cute, and they go cool. Like, you know, like, Let's go meet up late night at midnight. So making sure you own what you want. You know, versus them thinking like, okay, cool. Like, you know, I've got the upper hand here. So just keeping that in mind as well. Yeah.

Cindy: 42:51

That makes total sense. It does, just because I mean, so I can't remember who I was talking to you. But I know like that video on tick tock that I made. Actually, I think it's hit almost 10,000 and over 1200 comments from men that they do want to be approach. And sometimes we got to take our pregnant, pregnant and ego and put our aside and say, you know, what, do you want to go out with me? Or hey, how are you doing? So I'm going to try that tomorrow the Delta lounge so we'll see. I think that's for it. Can you record it so I can see what you

Nicole: 43:34

know, I mean, I agree with you, I think, the Delta lounge why the hell not? You know,

Cindy: 43:40

you don't have good jobs. So I had like a few a few months ago. So I travel a lot. And I saw this guy, like, he's so freaking cute, but I was with my kids. And I was like here and he was away there anymore. We're both looking at each other. And I'm like, huh, let me like, I wish I mean, I would have gotten his number or you know, he didn't have a ring, but he was some sort of coach I can't remember what university was e4 But yeah,

Charlotte: 44:10

did you try looking him up on Instagram or anything after the fact because I've seen those situations before where someone said like, I hope like it helped us in a long shot but this this might be you like, I use the geo tags or like I think I knew someone you are with like, you know, shoot my shot. I think I saw you out like if you have you ever tried doing that

Cindy: 44:30

the do tags talk to me more like when you quit the line?

Charlotte: 44:33

I think some ways people will like find someone on Instagram versus like a dating app is they'll find like their favorite bar location and look at people

Cindy: 44:42

I can't remember when that was that was not there was not this trip. It was not before I think I was by myself.

Charlotte: 44:51

Or if you knew where he was a coach or something looking in the tag photos of like the coach the coaches that that company is Instagram. Like I've seen people do that where it's like oh, like I'm kind of like misconnection style if they go looking for clues like I just go on this Instagram like Oh, I knew this person they were with like they're probably in their tag photos somewhere. i People say Instagrams like become a new dating app. And they've tried that approach. I've I've gotten a handful of interesting like Instagram ones where it's like, is this You by Chance one One time someone was wrong One time someone was right. So I thought it was pretty cool as long as it's like you say, who you are and how you got there.

Cindy: 45:23

And that's the thing. It's just like, so should I keep my Instagram private? Or should I go ahead and put it public?

Nicole: 45:31

I would keep it private. Because I feel like the people that you allow into your life should only be privy to what is in your life, I keep all of my shit private, I, to be honest with you, I don't even use my last name. When it comes to podcasting, social media. I just, it's not that I'm paranoid. I just want I want to protect myself and I want to protect my daughter. So like, and that's where it stems for me, but do you want to do research on me? Fine, go ahead, go do your research on you're not going to find and I mean, I'll tell them what they need to know.

Cindy: 46:04

For my job, it doesn't really matter. Because I mean, look, you go, you will, will meet and you'll find me anywhere. That's the thing. So it doesn't like but at least I have that Instagram account that is private. I don't allow everybody in. I mean, you you can see my, my dear baddies, and you can see my real estate one, those are the two ones. And then you can see me on all social media platforms. The rest is like fine. So I will keep it private. Because I like I mean,

Nicole: 46:33

it's really up to your discretion, you know, especially when you're dating, like, what do you want someone else to see, you know, like, keep in mind, like, I always think about my employer, like, do I want my employer to see, like, am I gonna get in trouble? Am I gonna go to jail? I really don't want to go to jail.

Cindy: 46:52

I don't like the handcuffs.

Nicole: 46:53

But I have a girlfriend that she's, you know, early 20s. And she posts quite a lot about her life and things that happened within her family and me being 35. I don't and but I did you know, in my early 20s, I did you know, and I regret doing that. Because now that's out for the entire world to see. So I don't know if that just comes with maturity or what, but I'm always cognizant of what's out there. And you know, especially with having a child like that's a little scary.

Cindy: 47:26

I used to do that too. But Facebook deleted my old account.

Nicole: 47:32

Did you go to Facebook Jail again?

Cindy: 47:36

Me Now, like I opened this account back in 2005 2006. And everything was deleted. I'm like, Okay.

Nicole: 47:45

I remember when Facebook was Facebook. I remember when Facebook like when I was in college, and I graduated high school in 2005. And it was right when Facebook came out. And you had to have like a college email to join. Like, it's funny that it's funny now like being a millennial is there was a tic tac I saw recently. That was they were talking about the Facebook app. I'm like, No, it's not a Facebook app. It's a facebook.com website. Like it's a website. It's not a fucking app. Like it instantly aged myself.

Cindy: 48:23

I remember that now. Yeah, that was a long time ago.

Nicole: 48:27

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Well, so Charlotte, thank you so much for coming on our podcast. We really really appreciate it. We love your insight, and hopefully maybe we'll have you back again down the road. But to our audience, we have Charlotte. Her TikTok handle is welcome to the present party if you'd like to look up her tick tock so thank you guys so much today for joining Dear Baddies Boyfriend's Bitches Dating and Everything in Between. We'll see you next time.

Cindy: 49:03

Bye

Charlotte: 49:06

bye